Johnny Mo
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January 27, 2018
CHICAGO — Climatologists are blaming record-low temperatures for the steep decline in Year-Round Shorts-Guy populations, resulting in a massive shortage…
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Danny Taverner
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January 26, 2018
NEW YORK — Progressive punk Otto Williams replaced the phrase “bum a cigarette” earlier today with “homeless person a cigarette”…
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Danny Taverner
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January 25, 2018
NEW HAVEN, Conn. — 13 ½-year-old punk Bailey Tolbert is in a “full-blown” midlife crisis, unsure what to do with…
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Jeremy Hammond
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January 24, 2018
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local punk Alicia Lane is spending another long, slippery, water-soaked winter in her insufficiently winterized Doc Marten…
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Pete GK
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January 23, 2018
AKRON, Ohio — Local punk and apparent millionaire Ryan Simpson paid $6 for Friday night’s sliding-scale admission for a show…
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Jason Crews
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January 22, 2018
HELL - Local Angel of Darkness, Satan, gifted metal icons Slayer with an 18-karat gold watch as a thank you…
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Malcolm Whitfield
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January 22, 2018
EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. — Vice-Principal of Eden Prairie High School Wayne McCarthy claimed this week that he can relate with…
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Courtney Baka
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January 22, 2018
SAN DIEGO — Panda Bear, of the experimental pop band Animal Collective, has reportedly refused to mate since being added…
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Liam Hart
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January 21, 2018
TORONTO — Legendary Rush drummer Neil Peart purchased one of the largest and shiniest drums on the market last night…
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Brendan Krick
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January 21, 2018
PHILADELPHIA — Guitarist Pete Leinbach reportedly stuck to his pre-planned list of “hit” anecdotes during a first, and likely last,…
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