ATLANTA — Equifax social media intern Carly Donovan has “no chance of meme-ing her way out” of the credit reporting giant’s massive security breach, sources confirmed earlier today.
Donovan, a junior at Emory University, went to work the first day after the scandal broke and found a barrage of negative comments about her employer on Facebook and Twitter.
“Carly has been a rock star. She immediately sprung into damage control with several apologetic Drake-themed tweets and a tongue-in-cheek ‘Confused Mr. Krabs’ meme. She’s really trying to make the best of it. Most of her memes are ‘fleeked,’ if you know what I mean — meme games are really on a point,” said PR director Monica Vargas between drags of her eighth cigarette. “Sorry for that. I’ve just… I’ve had a rough month.”
Donovan was allegedly later on the verge of tears, taking intermittent sips of coconut water between paging a dozen separate Photoshop windows and searching for obscure Spongebob episodes.
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“I put together an ‘Equifax Security Breach Starter Pack’ to help people secure their accounts, but everyone just tweeted awful things at me,” she said, wiping her eyes. “I’m getting college credit for this! I can’t just quit like that limp-dick CEO did. I need this!”
Irate Equifax consumers have responded negatively to the company’s attempts at humor.
“Fuck you, you scumfuck bastards,” said @YogaMom_Betty in a series of pointed tweets. “Quit posting bullshit and go make sure someone isn’t using my social security number to take out credit cards, you diarrhea-eating cock goblins.”
Even though Donovan has absolutely no chance at salvaging the Equifax brand through social media, she expressed hope for the future.
“The biggest disappointment is that I literally just put the finishing touches on my LazyTown ‘We Are Number One’ Equifax-themed cover,” Donovan said. “But this social media firm in Vladivostok reached out to compliment my work… and they offered me a job making political memes! If people keep threatening to ‘burn my entire family while I’m forced to watch,’ I just might take it.”
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Article by Rick Homuth @rjhomuth.