TULSA, Okla. — Local punk Eddie Abrams’s plans to retire are reportedly contingent upon his dying young and nothing else, according to a meeting with…
PHILADELPHIA — Local man Eric Sullivan still eats with his arm around his plate like a hardened, PTSD-suffering prisoner after growing up as the youngest…
SCRANTON, Penn. — The Menzingers offered yesterday a handful of stamped timecards taken from a local factory to a life-sized effigy of fellow nostalgic songwriter…
CRANSTON, R.I. — Punk father and son team Jerry and Steve Pappas began work today restoring a mint condition 2017 Ford Econoline van to get…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Millennial punk and generally clumsy dolt Tony Drummond bellowed several ironic “Tim Allen” grunts yesterday before accidentally firing a nail through his…
DALLAS — Local punk Denny “Wart” Morrill surprised fellow Dallas Marathon runners yesterday by shitting himself at the very beginning of the race, leaving many…
CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Local death metal enthusiast Cooper Dempsey realized that the lyrics to Cannibal Corpse’s 1994 classic “Fucked With a Knife” might be a…
SAN DIEGO — Drummer and quiet introvert Don Scarpelli acted strangely on Saturday night after entering the blacklight-filled basement of his friend’s kegger, confused partygoers…
Let’s get it out of the way: I love Minor Threat. They’re on my Mount Rushmore of punk bands. It was almost impossible to find…
PUTNAM, Conn. — Residents of local punk house The Jailblock realized yesterday that no member of the household could remember how or when they came…
NEW YORK — Executives at Buzzfeed issued an apology today for their quiz, “Plan A Perfect Winter Day and We’ll Tell You If You’d Survive…
PITTSBURGH — Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University released a disturbing report today predicting that 100% of erotic asphyxiation will be automated by the year 2028,…
HOLLYWOOD — CBS sitcom “Bright Spot” used a punk cover of the holiday classic “Santa Baby” recorded by The Erectroplasms for this year’s Christmas episode…
TRENTON, N.J. — New mailroom employee Cole Horrigan surprised his coworkers at Tremont Auto Insurance Thursday night when he wrapped the karaoke mic cord around…
COLTS NECK, N.J. — Local eighth grader Steve McKenzie was confused and disillusioned last week when his first kiss at last night’s school dance did…