SAN JOSE, Calif. — Quarantined suitor Gabe Dawson canceled his highly anticipated Zoom date with “hot barista Dylan” last night after spending 45 minutes as…
ATLANTA — Adam Hansen, the lead vocalist of death metal band Corpse Licker and best known for his flowing locks and grimly haunting aesthetic, was…
PARADISE VALLEY, Ariz. -— Former Vice President Dan Quayle has reportedly contracted the novel Coronavirus “COVIDE-19,” according to Quayle’s medical records. “Mr. Quayle checked in…
ST. PAUL, Minn. — Local gym rat Paul Deetz started his workout today with a full seven minutes of rest while the first track in…
WILMINGTON, Del. — Democrat Joe Biden’s Presidential acceptance speech was interrupted today by rapper-turned-presidential candidate Kanye West, who rushed the stage to deliver his own…
SAN FRANCISCO — A Novel Experience Bookstore owner Dale Severen was deemed “totally not legit” yesterday for lacking a dynamic selection of ancient texts and…
MISSOULA, Mont. — Local man David Baker’s ever-growing rat tail has reached a length that “definitely soaks it in the toilet bowl when he sits…
PHILADELPHIA — Local band The Shit Kickers condemned their second place prize and disputed the accuracy of the applause-o-meter today at Battle of the Bands…
JASPER, Ark. — Local militia member Lance Hagan accidentally ate the three years’ worth of emergency rations while anxiously watching the election results, according to…
GOODE, Va. — Disgraced former Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. agreed last week to watch his wife Becki attend couples counseling following weeks of…
GENEVA — Scientists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research discovered yesterday that Iron Maiden’s 8:46-long “Brighter Than a Thousand Suns” contains a surprisingly decent…
BOSTON — Recently deceased grandmother Anita Reilly’s bereaved found yesterday a trove of family recipes, including one for a beloved, secret family soup that was…
LOS ANGELES — Local punk Rachel Hacker moved yesterday into Nordhoff house, the surprisingly simple and reasonably-named community house and DIY space located at 29…
WASHINGTON — Sitting President Donald Trump approached the highest court in the United States to demand that votes stop being counted, including an extra request…
TOLEDO, Ohio — The Observer-Gazette, a so-called “legitimate” local newspaper that has “allegedly won multiple prestigious awards,” failed to even do the bare minimum of…