ATLANTA — Scientists signaled a breakthrough against poachers after the first boneless rhinoceros was successfully bred in captivity at the Atlanta Zoo, environmentalist sources confirmed.…
Science nerds will tell you that climate change is an existential threat to our world, but more importantly, to our corporations. That being the case,…
There are so many things to hate about this entitled millennial generation, but nothing scorches my sky more than their addiction to technology. These ungrateful…
OMAHA, Neb. — Citizens across the country are coping with record breaking heat and wondering why there has been seemingly zero warning of rising temperatures…
ASTORIA, Ore. — Beginner survivalist Ethan Foster quickly forgot which of the two bodily wastes was sterile, piss or shit, while traversing his first expedition,…
Did we just discover the next Greta Thunberg? This 32-year-old environmental conservation warrior is keeping his carbon footprint small by using the same Spider-Man beach…
AUBERRY, Calif. — A local woodpecker, ignoring the desperate pleas of parents, continued to go completely apeshit on a tree that was planted in memory…
DETROIT — Automobile manufacturers across the country hoping to stem the tide of climate change pledged to go 100% electric by the time it’s too…
HOUSTON — Famed environmental superhero and holographic android Captain Planet announced he would be accepting a position as a paid consultant for multinational oil and…
NORTH HALEDON, N.J. — Local woman and dedicated shower pisser Esme Hill reportedly held her urine in longer than usual on Tuesday night so she…
NAMPA, Idaho — A punk house dispute over fixing a carbon monoxide detector was abruptly resolved after every single resident passed out at once, lightheaded…
PEORIA, Ill. — Self-described wolf enthusiast Roy Greene immortalized his obsession with the animal since childhood in a hastily drawn tattoo on the upper portion…
Hey you! Yeah you, the gentrifying piece of shit driving around in that planet-destroying truck. Hey, I’ve got an idea. You should get in that…
BOSTON — An allegedly cash-poor Dropkick Murphys irked fans by announcing that Arbor Day has always been one of “their things” in what was “definitely…
RUTLAND, Vt. — Local eco-douchebag Morgan Lence is reportedly living a completely vegan lifestyle, despite his claim to be a “total carnivore” when it comes…