OXFORD, England — Local metal fan William McClusky miraculously aced his way through the prestigious Oxford University Medical School solely on memorized lyrics by legendary…
HIALEAH, Fla. — A new report from local drunk Emily Kinder indicates that the standards of alcoholism held by her primary care physician are “weak…
PARAMUS, N.J. — Local man Mike Jarbowski finally decided to seek medical treatment for the twisted, demonic face growing out his back after weeks dealing…
GRAND ISLAND, Neb. — Local doctor Harvin Smill found himself visibly sweaty this morning responding with a mumbled sequence of “uhhh yeah me too, totally,…
People call whiskey a crutch, but through the good times, the bad times, and the boring times, it’s more of a companion. So when this…
LOS ANGELES – Local doctor Ron Diamond found cause for concern over singer Vince Neil’s latest liver function test results following decades of excess in…
MALIBU,Calif. — Folk music legend Bob Dylan was recently rushed to a local Doctor’s office because of a strange, almost train whistle-like sound emitting from…
SPOKANE, Wash. — Local kinksters Justin Lentz and Carly Melhado added a new wrinkle to their sexual routine early yesterday evening by pretending to actually…
BETHESDA, Md. — Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease, recently gave approval for venues to continue the common…
SAINT PAUL, Minn. — 37-year-old punk Ronald “Buckets” Drearer grossly exaggerated how much alcohol he regularly consumes in order to seem cooler during a recent…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local crust punk Julian “The Stain” Rainer stunned a group of friends by somehow clogging a perfectly good toilet merely after urinating…
THORNVILLE, Ohio — Local Juggalo Andreas “Wicked Kush” Fleming is ignoring all CDC recommendations while attending this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos and choosing to…
NEW YORK — Local depressive Naomi Roman was teetering on the brink of mental collapse Thursday morning until her suicidal thoughts were deterred after she…
LOS ANGELES — Local therapist Dr. Dana Therenspoon gave their patient exactly one month to live during a routine check-in, after months of increasingly lame…
BOSTON — Local therapist Dr. Loic Middleberry attempted to reach new clients by introducing reduced-rate services for sessions focusing exclusively on dad issues in honor…