COLUMBUS, Ohio — A fuzzy little punk roommate known only as “Banjo” twitched adorably in his sleep yesterday, presumably dreaming that he was running away…
Looking out at the marina, my only thought between swigs of Pepto Bismol and Jim Beam cocktails is “what the hell happened?” Just this morning…
DENVER — Local high schooler Jake Fritzler astounded his teachers today by scoring 1050 on the SAT despite entering nothing but the sequence “ACAB” on…
LANCASTER, Pa. — Police officers on the scene of a texting and driving accident last night that claimed the life of a local teen confirmed…
BETHESDA, Md. — A grande-sized pumpkin spice latte for Karen called the police moments ago on a black cold brew coffee sitting on the other…
SAN FRANCISCO — Members of Masked Intruder were placed under citizen’s arrest today by fellow punk band Bad Cop/Bad Cop at the FlopFest music festival…
TRENTON, N.J. — A group of punks’ plan to invite geriatric next-door neighbor Zofia Gorski to a party so she wouldn’t call the cops backfired…
PORTLAND, Ore. — Local punk Tim Bell talked himself into an assault charge yesterday after aggressively confronting a police officer in attempting to talk his…
BALTIMORE — Local anarcho-punk Tommy Mauro “totally doesn’t give a fuck,” but does prefer guests use coasters, even if it’s “no big deal, and also,…
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local cop and amateur wrestler Casper “Cooter” Jones, who has struggled with a violent past, present and likely future, arrived at the…
MIDDLETOWN, Del. — Local Middletown police are reportedly searching for any excuse to justify the use of a brand new tank the United States government…
NEW YORK — Shortly after telling responding officers they’d never see him again, bank robber Austin Linders embarrassingly found himself last night fleeing the scene…
EL PASO, Texas — Democratic presidential hopeful Beto O’Rourke was questioned by police on Tuesday after calling to report himself for skating on his own…
A new scientific study conducted by you, your roommate’s unemployed boyfriend, and your dog Rocco via contact high, has concluded that the cops are outside…
USA — Empire Actor Jussie Smollet has been charged with staging an elaborate hoax involving a nation with a 400-year legacy of slavery, Jim Crow,…