CRAWLEY, West Sussex — The Cure frontman and monopoly-challenging hero Robert Smith negotiated with Ticketmaster to cancel Morrissey’s planned U.S. tour, sources relieved to get…
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A new study from Brown University concluded that roughly 15% of the entire U.S. economy is based on subscriptions you either forgot…
BOCA RATON, Fla. — Local man Patrick Miller prepared an unwilling audience for a lengthy racist anecdote, assuring everyone that he and his friends’ ignorant…
CHICAGO — Morrissey revealed that he’s waiting for a few more people to show up to the Riviera Theatre before ultimately canceling the gig entirely,…
SEATTLE — Self-proclaimed Twitter activist Rachel Morrow claimed that if they had access to a functioning time machine they would use it to travel back…
LOS ANGELES — Legendary alt-crooner Morrissey admitted that he feels creatively fulfilled now that he is able to cancel his performances at the last minute…
WASHINGTON — Prominent conservatives nationwide are beginning to inquire if they are still morally obligated to listen to Ariel Pink after the artist was spotted…
UNITED STATES — A gathering of townies from across the country is expected to begin at around 5 p.m. today and end sometime before the…
LOS ANGELES — Local Twitter user Frederick Peterson, better known by his handle @freddiepeteyboy682, went on a tragic cancel spree early this morning, before turning…
BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local 32-year-old Brendan Muller decided today that he will stand perfectly still whenever he is in the presence of others in hopes…
CHICAGO — NetherRealm Studios announced the next Mortal Kombat 11 patch will give every character a brand-new finishing move that savagely ends the losing Kombatant…
LOS ANGELES — A fully naked Morrissey surprised fans this morning by cancelling an impromptu shower singing session due to inclement water temperature in a…
LONDON — Morrissey announced today the cancellation of an upcoming Frank Ocean concert, creating much confusion amongst fans and promoters, production sources confirmed. The former…
ALBANY, N.Y. — Local punk show promoter Steve “Froggy” Fordham cancelled his teenage daughter’s birthday party this morning due to “pathetically low” advanced ticket sales,…
Internet Can’t Fucking Wait to Push Newly Famous Artist to Psychological Ruin
SEATTLE, WA — Internet commentators and online communities announced this morning that they are “fucking stoked” to push recently famous musician Hank Todd past the…