20. Father Maxi
The town of South Park is rife with morally gray characters who find themselves stretching the limits of their morality in order to protect the ideals they hold sacred. Father Maxi would go to the ends of the Atari to protect Catholicism, regardless of the many pitfalls along the way. If this happens to be accomplished by hiding the body in question, then he’s all for it. Plus, he’s pretty gullible so if you lie to him he’ll probably believe it. He does believe in Catholicism after all.
19. Mr. Slave
Other than Chef, Mr. Slave is basically the only authority figure at South Park Elementary that puts the kids’ needs above their own. If you’re a child in his class, he’d help you for sure. Otherwise, he’d need to know that the body you’re hiding belonged to someone who was corrupting the youth.
18. Shelley Marsh
Despite her vulnerable side showing once in a red and blue moon, make no mistake, Shelley Marsh is a bubbling volcano of violence. She will absolutely help you hide a body, granted you let her beat the shit out of it for an hour beforehand. Her internal rage knows no bounds and she’s just as likely to have to hide your body before the night is done.
17. Randy Marsh
Everyone’s favorite drunk, impulsive narcissist not named Homer Simpson, Randy’s antics often find him in a position where bodies may need to disappear. Assuming your needs overlap with his, or you catch him in just the right kind of drunk, you and Randy are gonna have a fun night digging holes at Tegridy Farms.
16. Skeeter
Skeeter is your typical redneck who distrusts those different from him and also owns a wine bar. If you’re one of his own, he’ll pull up right away with a truck, a shovel, and directions to a deserted spot in the Rocky Mountains. But if you’re a stranger in the strange land known as “South Park,” he’ll just as likely tell you to geeeeet out.
15. Sheila Broflovski
Typically, Sheila Broflovski is righteous in her crusades, at least according to her personal moral code. Of all the people in South Park who simply need a reason to suddenly murder, Sheila is top of the list. That said, if she disagrees with why that body needs hiding, she’ll play along while the police are on their way. However, if the body is Canadian, she will absolutely help you ship it back to that politically-correct tundra.
14. Gerald Broflovski
Gerald is an infamous internet troll and an amoral lawyer. He’ll not only help you hide the body, he’ll represent you in court when you’re inevitably caught because some dickhead named “Snank Hunt” bragged about it on 4chan.
13. Richard Tweak
He’s willing to keep his kid in a permanently fucked up state for the sake of his coffee shop’s image. This man will not hesitate to help you hide a body, while lecturing you all night why digging in the rich, local soil and using shovels from the local hardware store is like a breath of fresh mountain air. The body still smells terrible though.
12. Stephen Stotch
Likely the most evil character in town, Butter’s legitimately sociopathic dad would not hesitate to help you hide that body. Then he’ll suggest you guys sweat one out at the White Swallow Spa before a rousing round of abusing the people whom you’re supposed to protect and nurture. Fucking die, Stephen.
11. Queen Spider
The head of the Vatican, the Queen Spider, condemns killing. However, if she’s hungry, that body’s disappearing whether you want it to or not.
10. Satan
Based on his actions, Satan is one of the least offensive characters in South Park. He may get led astray at times, but if given the opportunity to make things right, he always does the right thing in the end. We’re sure you have a very good reason for having a dead body in your possession and we’re sure Satan would agree. He’s got your back. Just believe in Him.
9. Death
Well, obviously. But he’s not doing it for you.
8. Officer Barbrady
This one’s tricky, but if you can convince Barbrady that the body is part of a police investigation that he‘s in charge of, this sworn officer of the law will dump that body in a shallow grave faster than you can say, “Move along, nothing to see here.”
7. Harrison Yates
He’d only have one question. “What color is the body?” He may follow up with something about vitiligo.
6. Christophe The Mole
Vive la Résistance! Everyone’s favorite perma-grounded God-hater, Christophe would do anything for the cause. Or, more accurately for a price. Plus, he’s great at digging tunnels. No one’s gonna find that thing until it’s bones are dust.
5. Scott Tenorman
There was once a time when Scott Tenorman would simply call you names and slam the door in your face in response to such a request. But that was the old Scott. The pre-Eric Cartman Scott. Now, the twisted wreck of what was once a run-of-the-mill dickhead teenager would be chomping at the bit to have free range over a body. He might still need you to handle the fingers though. Bad memories.
4. Phillip
Of course Phillip would condone the cover-up of a death! How could you not know that?!
3. Herbert Garrison
Oh, Herbert Garrison will absolutely agree to help you. He’ll even bring his own tools. But whatever he wants from you in return will absolutely cost you. Plus, he will absolutely sell you out if y’all get caught.
2. Eric Cartman
You all knew he’d be high on this list. Eric Cartman is likely the most pure example of narcissism in media. And this is a character in a show that has a character based on Donald Trump and also Donald Trump. Cartman will gleefully take you up on this favor. Like Garrison, he will need something gravely important in return. But unlike Garrison, he will call the cops while you’re still burying the body, hoping to get some sweet reward money. While you’re getting arrested, he’d sneak off with the body for use in a future scheme.
1. Butters Stotch
Butters is the most loyal, trustworthy friend a fella in South Park could ask for. Not only will little Leopold help you no questions asked, he’ll talk you through your feelings about it and even give a eulogy for the body. Always appreciate the Butters in your life. Especially if you’re a Cartman and you can frame him for it afterwards.