Who can we really turn to in times of crisis? Who among our friends, family, and associates can we truly depend upon to help us in our most desperate time of need? Who is willing to throw caution out the window and insert themselves into our problem? Basically, if we needed to hide a dead body, who’s gonna show up with a shovel no questions asked?
It’s “no one,” isn’t it? Yeah, us too. Well, have no fear because we can do what we always do when the crushing weight of reality keeps us painfully grounded: dissociate! Today, we’ll be imagining that we live in the South Park universe and we desperately need help hiding a lifeless, 2-D body. So who’s gonna help us?
50. Kyle Broflovski
Kyle is a good friend and a virtuous person, which is exactly why he’s the last person you want to confide in with this. His strong moral compass will lead him to encourage you to report it to the police. And if you don’t, he probably will. Tattletale.
49. Terrance
Of course Terrance would NEVER condone the cover-up of a death! How could you not know that?!
48. Tolkien Black
This morally strong son of a “Lord of the Rings” fan would not assist you in the burying of a body. If you sought his help, he’d open the door, take one look at the mess you got yourself into, wordlessly shake his head, and close the door. Hey, at least he wouldn’t tattle on you like Kyle.
47. Heidi Turner
Even at her most Cartmanette-esque, Heidi wouldn’t get herself involved. But don’t worry, she won’t be babbling about it on social media any time soon. You should probably just get out of here before her jacked dad hears you.
46. Gobbles
No way. Gobbles is too pure.
45. Timmy Burch
Timmy is one of the most morally-fortified characters in South Park. If you told him you needed help hiding a body, he’d be shocked. He’d sit you down and have a long talk with you about taking responsibility for your actions and calmly hand you a phone with “911” already dialed. He could never snitch either, but for different reasons than some of the other people on this list.
44. Gregory of Yardale
This private school snob wouldn’t deign to lift a finger and help another person unless it got him lots of clout for his politics. Disgusting. We bet he’s definitely had a few bodies buried for him though.
43. Baby Fark McGeezax
Baby Fark McGeezax (or “McG” for short) would absolutely tell you he’ll help you hide a body. That is, until he reveals that it was all part of a long con to see your true nature and what you’re capable of. Because of you, humanity will never get to join the intergalactic federation of planets. Thanks a lot.
42. Liane Cartman
Liane has a strict moral code so she would never cross such a line. Unless you’re her little poopsie-kins. In that case, she’ll do the killing, the burying, and the jail time if necessary.
41. Kenny McCormick
Despite the alarming amount of firesetting and laughing at others’ misery, Kenny actually lives a pretty moral life and would be likely to talk you through your problems. He’d encourage you to go to the authorities but he’d also give you a few good ideas for hiding spots.
40. Funnybot
Funnybot is the best comedian to come out of Germany since Michael Mittermeier. Sure, he’s no Olaf Schubert, but Funnybot can make any crowd uber-lachen. Unfortunately, he won’t help you hide a body. Who do you think he is, Bülent Ceylan?!
39. Mr. Hankey
You all know the song! “Mr. Hankey, the Christmas poo. He loves me and I love you. Therefore he’ll help you hide a body.” With lyrics like that, you’d think this choo-choo riding poo-poo would be the first one with a shovel at the ready. But Mr. Hankey is more talk than walk. Besides, he’s always working. He’s the type to say yes to something he knows damn well he can’t fully commit to.
38. Crab People
This cluster of deus-ex-crustaceans will stop at nothing to take over the human race, assuming we can’t think of who else it might be. They will happily hide any human body, but pretty soon they’ll be hiding yours too.
37. Sea-Man (and Swallow)
Sea-Man is a superhero bound by the code of the Super Best Friends. A defender of truth and virtue, Sea-Man would never agree to take on your load. Heh. Along with his life partner, Swallow, Sea-Man would instead cleanse you with his salty seafoam and blow you dry with the force of Neptune himself. Swallow would help you out though.
36. Captain Hindsight
We’re not saying Captain Hindsight wouldn’t help hide a body. We’re just saying he’d get too caught up on how we should have done things differently so that we didn’t end up in this situation to begin with.
35. Wendy Testaburger
Always one to stand up for what’s right, Wendy Testaburger would not sit idly by as a crime went unreported. She’d tell you she’s gonna help out, but that’s just luring you into a trap for law enforcement. However, if she believed law enforcement was corrupt and that you were just a patsy, taking the fall for a corrupt mayor, cop, or hall monitor, then she’d at least keep lookout.
34. Jimmy Valmer
All jokes aside—which may be tough for the hilarious Jimmy Valmer—Jimmy is a stand-up guy. He’d keep your secret but he’s not helping you hide that body unless it’s gonna help him either win a comedy award or get some strange.
33. Stan Marsh
While his best friend Kyle may be iron-clad in his belief system, Stan Marsh is more of a blank page when it comes to morality. Sometimes his decisions are based on self-interest. But often, they are for the greater good, even if it means making a personal sacrifice. Stan might help you hide a dead body, but you better have a good reason for it being dead.
32. Chef
With few exceptions, Chef is the only adult in South Park who’s looking out for the children’s best interest. This one’s simple. If you’re a kid, Chef will do anything to keep you protected even if it means breaking a few laws. But if you’re an adult, you can go fudge yourself now.
31. Linda Stotch
Linda has proven her willingness and ability to cover up capital offenses on several occasions. However, these were all instances of self-interest. She’d definitely help you hide her piece of shit husband’s body though. Hell, she might even provide the body.
30. Bebe Stevens
Bebe is yet another South Park resident who has gone to dangerous and illegal lengths to keep a conspiracy secret. So unless you’re hiding the body of some busybody elementary schooler who can’t keep their trap shut, Bebe’s not the one.