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Opinion: Tattoos Shouldn’t Hurt So Much

Ow! Seriously, that really fucking hurts! It feels like you’re slowly slitting my bicep with a hot, wet scalpel. I guess now I know how people who wake up during surgery feel. God damn. This pain is otherwordly, but I still want to get so many more tattoos. Look, I don’t know who I need to speak to about this, but the tattoo industry would make so much more money if they simply didn’t hurt so much.

At first, I thought I just so happened to get my first tattoo in the most painful spot possible, but that tattoo pain chart over there said “bicep” was among the least painful. Plus, I have a super high threshold for pain. I’ve gotten so many Henna tattoos and they barely make me wince. All I’m sayin’ is maybe the tattoo industry can take the pain-free page out of the Henna handbook.

Wait, were you trying to hurt me? If this is a rite of passage thing, then I get it. But since I made it through this ordeal without punching or suing someone, I think I’ve earned my stripes. Speaking of which, how bad would it hurt to add stripes to this?

How come the tattoo industry is so slow to evolve? Sure, the guns have gotten a lot better, but it’s basically been the same ink-in-skin method for thousands of years. Every other industry has come a long way in the pain department. Take dentistry, for example. They at least give you drugs before they use their medieval torture tools on you. If the tattoo industry teamed up with big pharma, I think that would lead to some really good, pain-free decisions.

It seems like everyone has a tattoo these days. So how the hell did they all sit through this?! Are they all gluttons for punishment? Do they get off on it as much as the artists clearly get off on doling out pain in the form of nautical stars and tribal bands?

I just don’t see how anyone could actually tolerate that naggy, cutting pain for hours at a time. I’m forced to conclude that it’s all a front for some kind of dom/sub/ink exchange that my innocent self stumbled into. Wait, we’re done? That’s it? Aww, but it was just getting good!