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Straight Edge Jesus Turns Water into Smug Sense of Superiority

BOSTON — Straight edge scene veteran Jesse Hunter miraculously transformed a simple glass of water into an opportunity for ruthless mocking at a party Saturday night, according to awed witnesses.

Hunter, known to friends as “Straight Edge Jesus,” is renowned for converting substance users to the drug-free lifestyle. Sources close to Hunter claim Saturday’s party was simply the latest time he used shame and condescension to successfully persuade a potential follower.

“I asked Jesse to hand me a glass of wine,” said friend Ruth Weaver, Hunter’s latest convert. “He gave me some water instead and said, ‘You could have some wine. Or you could try, I don’t know, not poisoning yourself.’”

Partiers immediately turned toward Weaver upon Hunter’s taunt. Several reported a “holy, red glow of embarrassment” emanating from her face.

“I was so awed by his patronizing attitude. I immediately claimed edge and drew two of the fattest X’s on my hands the world has ever seen. His divine condescension led me toward the path of clean living,” Weaver said.

Co-worker Paul Wade reported a similar experience. “Jesse picked me up for a shift at Kinko’s, but I was too hungover to go in. He called me a ‘pussy’ and dunked me into a cold bath. Then, almost as if it had been struck down by some mysterious force, my hangover was gone!” Wade recounted. “Jesse told me if I followed him, I would never again be ‘such a lazy little shit.’ I was shamed, and I have since basked in the radiance of straight edge clarity and egotism.”

Hunter credits his success to using all aspects of his life to demonstrate his superiority to others, as opposed to only his drug-free lifestyle.

“I feel it’s my duty to tell people I’m better than they are whenever the opportunity presents itself,” said Hunter. “They may thus see the error of their ways, and in so doing, become fully humiliated in the eyes of the scene.”

Hunter paused to reflect on his leadership before continuing. “Whether it’s veganism, my workout routine, or my political beliefs, I always make sure people know their way of doing things is inferior to mine,” he said. “It’s like I always say: teach a man to fish, and you reduce the chances of maintaining a sustainable ecosystem.”

Photo by Kat Chish.