WASHINGTON — The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea heightened global tensions last week with an attempt to launch yet another music streaming service, according to Pentagon officials.
“We have confirmed North Korea has tried to enter an already crowded music streaming market,” said Director of National Intelligence Daniel Coats, following a security screening of the iTunes store. “At this moment, they do not appear to have the resources necessary for a viable platform. If they are successful in the future, however, it could release a new batch of artists complaining about being screwed on royalty percentages.”
Eardong, the streaming service constructed from a former Soviet instant messaging program and “whatever open-source code they could access,” reportedly failed shortly after takeoff due to an insufficient number of paid subscriptions. After a brief, fiery launch, satellite footage showed Eardong collapsing under its own weight.
“It’s reckless and provocative. It’s the last thing the world needs. Who do they think they are? Jay-Z?” said Nikki Haley, the U.S. ambassador to the U.N. “If the world doesn’t intervene now, the people of North Korea may be forever locked into a sub-par streaming platform. They deserve better.”
- Kim Jong-Un Threatens to Blow Los Angeles Away With Fresh Approach to Bass Guitar
- Dying Punk Begs Friend to Delete Spotify Play History
- Kim Jong-Un Appoints Himself New Supreme Lead Singer of Black Flag
President Donald Trump responded to the news with a scolding tweet, reading, “Eardong is bad! Very bad! Low quality and too many commercials. China has done nothing to help!”
Indeed, many Americans are worried about the attempted launch of another streaming service, despite experts describing Eardong’s technology as the equivalent of “a phonograph hooked up to Skype.”
“What if they develop a service capable of reaching New York? Or, worse yet, Nashville?” said Marie Hansen, a forensics attorney who learned of the launch via Twitter. “And what about South Korea? If Psy is affected, we may not see the follow up to ‘Gangnam Style’ we deserve.”
The latest statement from Pyongyang predicted that Eardong would surpass Spotify by the year 2500.
Take a trip to our virtual merch table before you do anything else:
Article by Chris Nakis @chris_nakis.