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Marijuana Dispensaries Now Legally Require You to Sit And Listen to Them Play Guitar For 40 Minutes Before Buying Weed

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — California state lawmakers held an emergency vote on Proposition 64 last night, requiring marijuana dispensary employees to play guitar for a minimum of 40 minutes for consumers before giving them their goods.

“Call me old fashioned, but there was a time when you had to wait until your dealer figured out ‘Paint it Black’ before he hooked you up,” said Rep. Robert Hertzberg (D – Sherman Oaks), who introduced the bill. “There’s just something so cold about receiving your Sweet Alabama Sugar Kush and promptly leaving to go about your day. Where is the sense of community, I ask you?”

Opponents claim the amendment is nothing but “bureaucratic red tape.” “The voters decided, unequivocally, that they were tired of these lengthy interactions and empty validations,” said exasperated Rep. David Chiu (D – San Francisco). “I remember sitting through my dealer learning to DJ before I got my half-zip of Great Grey Wizard. To force citizens to endure that kind of torture is cruel and unusual.”


Initial reaction from the public appears to be mixed. Many find dispensary efficiency a welcome relief, while others miss the intimacy of person-to-dealer interactions. An exit poll of consumers in Santa Cruz, where the regulation is already enforceable by local law, shows that 68 percent find the process “irritating,” 24 percent found the staff member’s guitar plucking, “Okay, I guess,” and 8 percent abstained.

“Budtender” Kevin Morales, owner and operator of Herb Your Enthusiasm in Monterey, could not be happier about the new law. “Look — I finally have the fingerwork perfected for Dave Matthews Band’s ‘Two Step,’ and I’d love for someone to hear it,” he said. “Do you wanna hear it?”

Rep. Hertzberg also plans to introduce a bill requiring customers to undergo an awkward seduction attempt, giving the employee their cell phone numbers to “hit them up to party sometime.”

Photo by Shane Allen.