WACO, Texas — Convicted murderer James Wellington confessed yesterday to the gruesome killings of four hitchhikers in late 2013, with a bone-chilling testimony experts agreed was clearly designed to attract the attention of grindcore bands who could potentially sample the recording on future albums.
Wellington sat stone-faced on the witness stand during his sentencing hearing, recounting each gory detail and showing no remorse for his crimes nor empathy for his victims.
“He would say something just really messed up, then lean back and start miming a blast beat on the drums,” said Juror #6. “It made sense when you realized he was picturing how the sound bite would be used, but I am not a huge grindcore fan myself. I’m more into thrash, personally.”
Over the course of the four day hearing, Wellington’s often erratic behavior made more sense to onlookers once they realized his aim.
“Oh, it was so transparent,” said Attorney General Ken Paxton. “When he said the bit about ‘The voice of Satan demanding he kill people,’ I just thought to myself, ‘This sounds way too similar to the opening of Devourment’s Molesting the Decapitated. I almost called him out.”
Lead prosecutor Len “Big Brisket” Savoy, who also picked up on Wellington’s obvious attempts to deliver the perfect disturbing soundbite, agreed.
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“I questioned him about exactly how he committed the murders, and he said in a dry, monotone voice, ‘The hooks hung them from the ceiling in order to drain their blood onto the ground below…’ But the thing is, he coughed when he said it. So, he looks over at the judge, and I swear to the good lord above, he says, ‘Let me take that again and try to get it clean,’ and repeated his account,” said Savoy, fanning himself with a 10-gallon hat. “I am so gosh darn sick of these sons-of-bitches murdering people just to get on the intro of the next Rotten Sound album.”
Reports show officials at Earache Records are already in talks with the Texas State Department in hopes of procuring Wellington’s full statement for use on future releases.