HEAVEN — Brock Sterling, a recently deceased metalhead and supposed fan of legendary death metal band Deicide, found himself inexplicably admitted into the Kingdom of Heaven, sources report.
“Whoa, dude, I don’t belong here,” Sterling said. “Everybody knows I’m the biggest fan of Deicide there is. They’re my favorite band of all time and I own all of their albums. I’ve never been to church, I have countless shirts with pictures of Satan on them, and I have a tattoo of a goat demon tearing a priest in two on my left bicep. The last thing I thought right before that truck hit me was ‘oh fuck yeah, time to listen to ‘Blaspherereion’ and party with Satan for all of eternity,’ and then I ended up here. There must be some kind of mistake. I knew that court-ordered volunteer work at the soup kitchen would come back to bite me in the ass.”
Sterling’s fellow deceased friend and current damned soul in the pits of Hell, Terence Merill, was also surprised where he ended up.
“Oh wow, Brock must not be as big of a Deicide fan as I thought,” Merill noted in between bouts of having boiling phlegm poured into his empty eye sockets by a member of Lucifer’s army. “I was really expecting him to end up down here with me, so it’s kind of disappointing hearing that he’s in Heaven with the ultimate poser, Jesus Christ. I really respected Brock as a death metal diehard, too. We used to listen to ‘Legion’ on repeat while drinking beer and carving pentagrams into our forearms. I’m actually kind of embarrassed now that I used to hang out with him. I hope he enjoys listening to Skillet with Billy Graham, or whatever the fuck it is they do up there.”
Deicide frontman Glen Benton provided his insight on the matter.
“Fuck that guy,” Benton said just after shooting a squirrel in the head with a pellet gun. “If he’s in Heaven, he was never actually a fan of my band. Didn’t he ever read my lyrics? I’m not really known for speaking highly of Christianity, so what the hell is he doing up there? Deicide is music made by and for the hellbound, so I’m not going to waste any more time thinking about him. Do you mind? I need to freshen up the inverted crucifix brand on my forehead.”
At press time, Sterling was seen asking St. Peter to double-check his records to make sure he belonged there.
