GREAT BEND, Kan. — Neil Stamp, guitarist for local shoegaze band Quavver, intends to work on playing the guitar as soon as he settles on the ideal configuration of pedals, according to clerks at his local music shop.
“I think my pedalboard setup is almost ready,” said Stamp while putting velcro on the bottom of a newly purchased $300 delay pedal. “If Quavver wants to be taken seriously alongside all the nu-gaze bands that are blowing up, we’ve got to have the perfect sound. Once I’ve got the guitar tone dialed in, I’ll sit down and really figure out how to play chords and what the lines and dots on the neck-thingy mean. I don’t actually have a lot of time to think about guitar anyway because of the night job I got to help with my pedal bills.”
Drummer Craig Cartwright says Stamp asked him years ago to join the nascent band but they have yet to get together to practice.
“We’ve made plans to meet up, but Neil always cancels at the last minute,” said Cartwright. “The issue is usually that he just got some fancy new pedal and needs to figure out how to incorporate it in the signal chain. One time I was hanging out over at his place and he was showing off his pedalboard, but never played a single note. I’ve never actually heard him play, come to think of it. That giant board is crowded with expensive pedals from all these little boutique makers. I swear the board is worth more than his car.”
Guitar pedal manufacturers exploit the fact that their customers have an almost addictive compulsion to buy new gear, according to whistleblowers.
“Companies are very aware that guitar pedals destroy lives,” said an industry insider who wished to remain anonymous. “Pedal addiction can end marriages. Some companies actually hire tobacco and gambling industry consultants to maximize the addictive nature of pedals and sell more units. They really bleed their customers dry, pumping out pedal after pedal with minor updates that do the exact same thing as 100 others already on the market, knowing full well most of them will be played through once, if that.”
At press time, Stamp had cashed out his 401k in order to purchase a vintage Klon Centaur overdrive at what he described as “a really great price.”