ST. LOUIS — Members of Metallica, the biggest and undoubtedly most financially successful metal band of all time, are suing a 27-year-old fan for producing merchandise that looks cooler than anything the band has created since the late 1980s, greasy-haired sources report.
“After all these years these assholes are still making a buck off Metallica’s hard work and it drives me crazy, man,” said Metallica’s drummer Lars Ulrich. “These jerks standing outside the venue selling shirts a full $20 cheaper and a hell of a lot cooler looking than the stuff at our merch table are making it hard for us to make a living. Their shirts have all the cool skulls and like, electrocuted dudes that everyone loves, our current shirts have our name with some fuzzy barbed wire and people at the merch table are embarrassed to sell it. It’s just frustrating to see someone attempting to challenge the integrity and reputation Metallica has kept all these years.”
Bootlegger Alex Ramirez says the true fans desire the classic style merch Metallica made in their heyday.
“Listen. It’s pretty simple: if Metallica made cooler merch, I wouldn’t have to make my own homemade t-shirts. It’s on them at this point,” Ramirez stated. “Seriously! How the hell can they honestly believe anyone is going to want to wear a shirt with that awful dogshit ’72 Seasons’ album cover on it? Let alone charge $50 bucks a pop! Fans want the old Pushead art, and I think I’m pretty good at imitating his work. They could always hire me to do graphic design for them, I’d love a chance to work with my favorite band. But right now the lawyers for Metallica are saying they want to bankrupt me and my entire family.”
Leading economist who specializes in the gig economy Rachel Hume explains how detrimental bootlegging merch can be to certain bands.
“It’s no secret bootlegging merch hurts bands. Some find it as sort of complimenting them and others see it as theft, and rightfully so,” Hume said. “But a band like Metallica can afford to lose at most $200 bucks from a shirt some kid spent hours on in their basement creating. How about some more ‘Harvester of Sorrow’ art on your shirts and less ‘LuLu?’ This is just a problem most bands who aren’t Metallica don’t typically have to deal with.”
At press time, Metallica issued a cease and desist order on a couple of parents who were caught singing the line “Hush Little Baby” to their newborn child.