ADDISON, Vt. – Metalhead Adam Brockford showed more conviction arguing with a stranger about Black Sabbath outside the Addison County Courthouse than he had shown arguing for custody of his own children just moments before, mildly disgusted sources confirmed.
“Listen, I really like your ‘Master of Reality’ shirt, and I get why you think that album is their best, but you’re completely overlooking the absolute genius of both ‘Heaven and Hell’ and ‘The Mob Rules,’” said Brockford, who twenty minutes earlier had sat quietly while his attorney fruitlessly argued his supposed merits in the hopes of him caring for his four-year-old twin daughters. “You can’t listen to classics like ‘Die Young’ and ‘Falling off the Edge of the World’ and honestly tell me the band was better with Ozzy. And I haven’t even mentioned ‘Neon Knights.’ I mean, come on!”
Brockford’s lawyer Keisha Perry reacted to her client’s newfound commitment with frustration and bewilderment.
“Where was this passion when I was presenting his parenting plan to the judge in there?” Perry questioned. “He had told me his daughters were the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but he didn’t even open his mouth when his ex-wife’s attorney brought up his drinking and excessive video game playing. Maybe he would’ve livened up a bit if they said they considered ‘Dehumanizer’ to be Black Sabbath’s worst album. I swear, this is the last time I take on a metalhead as a client.”
Deron Goodwin, Professor of Family Law at the University of Pittsburgh, commented that such pitiable courtroom behavior is common among aging metalheads.
“This is something we see time and time again in our case studies,” said Goodwin. “Just last week I lectured about a father who willingly gave up custody of his son after hearing him say Accept’s ‘Restless and Wild’ was overrated, and before that another who had missed his court date entirely to catch Slayer on their farewell tour. There’s just something about being a fan of classic metal that turns people into shitty fathers that I can’t quite put my finger on, even after years of research.”
At press time, Brockford ignored Perry as she tried to tell him about scheduling visitation, choosing instead to high-five another bystander in an Iron Maiden “Killers” shirt over their shared love of Paul Di’Anno.