Press "Enter" to skip to content

Metal Band’s Merch Guy Offers to Remove Sleeves From Any Shirt for Additional Fee

HOUSTON — Merch guy for the heavy metal band Beast of Damocles Eric Jennie provides an extra service for any customers who want the sleeves cut off of any shirt at the band’s merch table for a small, additional fee, several greasy denim-clad sources report.

“Here at the merch table, we know how valuable time is for the metal community. These guys can’t be wasting time doing their own custom tailoring, they have beer that needs drinking. That’s why for just $7.00, I’ll remove the sleeves from any shirt on the wall, regardless of its current sleeve length,” Jennie explained. “Also, for an additional fee, we’ll gift wrap anything from the table, for someone who is buying metal merch for that special person in their life. We have Iron Maiden’s Eddie paper, which is a hot seller. Or my personal favorite, our cute little Ronnie James Dio caricature collage paper sure to impress even the most miserable metalhead in your life!”

Lead vocalist for Beast of Damocles Samuel “Crom” Moorcock talks about how he and the band came up with the idea.

“I got the inspiration for the service after watching how helpful the little old ladies at the mall are around the holidays,” said Moorcock. “I thought, ‘Wow, they’re troopers out here, doing the boring bullshit I never want to do but have to for Christmas.’ Then it dawned on me: I know who else hates boring bullshit! Metalheads! Now not only do we provide a service for our customers, but each sleeve we cut gets donated to ‘Sleeves of Love’ to help less fortunate and privileged metalheads who are actually in need of sleeves.”

World-renowned merch guy Sarah Zorowski says bands have been providing similar services for their customers for ages.

“This is nothing new,” Zorowski explained in an annoyed tone. “In fact, I was just at a GWAR show where their merch guy would provide dry cleaning to anyone who got covered in piss, blood, or cum during the set. Now that’s a real service if you ask me. Also, I’ve been in this business for three decades, and I’m fed up with being referred to as ‘merch guy.’ Stop calling me that when I’m very much so not a ‘guy.’

At press time, Beast of Damocles announced a new “substitute drummer” program where bands can rent their drummer for a day for any reason.