JEROME, Ariz. — Workers at Maynard James Keenan’s Caduceus Cellars were reportedly debating what to do with pallets of unsold “Stinkfist Chardonnay” after the Tool frontman’s wine failed to meet sales goals for mysterious reasons, sources who much prefer Snoop Dogg’s wine confirmed.
“This is just great, we finally got rid of all the RosÆnema that no one wanted, and now we’re stuck with thousands of bottles of this horrifically named product taking up space in the cellar. I just hope we can get all this wine sold before the ‘Hooker With a Pinot’ release next month,” said winery manager Casey Dowers, looking over the disturbing images on the wine label. “We’ve tried doing tasting events, giveaways—we even tried a buy one get one special but our customers don’t seem very excited about a ‘double-fist our wine’ promo.”
First-time customer Dan Walsh was reportedly put off not only by the provocative wine name, but some of the other branding choices as well.
“I love Tool and I’ve heard great things about the winery but there’s just something about this wine that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I mean look at this label, it says ‘get knuckle deep inside the bouquet of this complex chardonnay with notes of buttery milk chocolate and shame,’” said Walsh, making a face as he swallowed a mouthful. “I can appreciate this wine on an artistic level, but it’s not the kind of wine I want to drink on the patio when entertaining new neighbors, you know? Feels like the kinda wine you drink alone in the dark in your underwear at 3 a.m. when you just want to feel something.”
While the consumer reviews were mixed at best, wine critic Ken Pritchard was raving about the “complex, foreboding” wine.
“Behind the provocative name and upsetting label actually lies a daring wine that provides a challenging, sophisticated drinking experience. Its many tasting note changes won’t be for everyone, but true connoisseurs will be delighted to learn more each time they revisit this bottle,” said Pritchard, sipping the wine out of a custom glass. “This wine is actually a brilliant commentary on the nature of celebrity and desensitization, but I suspect people who’ve had their taste buds burned off by mainstream booze like Dave Matthews’ wine or Sammy Hagar’s ‘mezquilla’ monstrosity might not have the capacity to appreciate the complexity churning beneath the surface of the ‘Stinkfist Chardonnay.’”
At press time, Maynard James Keenan was reportedly last seen driving a tractor around his winery while yelling “whee!”