DALLAS — Local man Dave Hensley is confident that his first date with Rachel Caldwell went well, despite talking about his favorite band, Steely Dan, for approximately 40 minutes, skeptical sources confirmed.
“I really don’t think it could have gone any better,” said the clueless Hensley. “Her interest in Steely Dan was so intense that she barely said a word the entire date! Rachel was so generous with our time together that I was able to tell both the long version of the story of the dbx noise reduction system failure on ‘Katy Lied’ and speak at length about how Alfred Bester and Norman Mailer influenced the lyrics of ‘Deacon Blues.’ She was so captivated that she only took two 15-minute bathroom breaks the whole date!”
Caldwell, a marketing analyst and Dave’s date, described the date very differently.
“Oh wow. He thought it went well? Yikes,” said Caldwell. “Don’t get me wrong; Dave seems like a really nice guy, and his passion for this band is obvious, but this was maybe the worst date I’ve ever been on. He seemed perfectly normal on his dating profile, but once he started talking about Steely Dan, it was like he was possessed. He physically could not stop. He kept making this joke about how he’s ‘never gonna do it without the fez on’? I don’t know, man. Ultimately, I learned more about Walter Becker’s guitar collection than I did about Dave.”
Martin Corbin, the waiter at Maple & Vine who served Hensley and Caldwell, could tell the date wasn’t going well within the first five minutes.
“It was like watching a car crash in slow motion. The entire wait staff was transfixed by the sight of the two of them,” said Corbin. “I love Steely Dan, but I would never talk ad nauseam about them on a first date. At one point, Dave was miming the guitar solo to ‘Kid Charlemagne’ at the table, and I just want to say, for a so-called ‘super fan,’ he really failed to capture the subtleties of Larry Carlton’s playing. I mean, if you’re going to embarrass yourself publicly by doing an air guitar bit, at least get it right.”
At press time, Hensley was busy assembling a five-hour YouTube playlist of “essential” Steely Dan demos to share with Caldwell on their second date.