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House Show Would Be Fun If It Weren’t For Bands

TOLEDO, Ohio — Attendees of last night’s house show at local DIY spot House Madness reportedly had “a great time” despite the live music and bands, according to multiple witnesses.

“That place is rad!” said Alyssa Aldridge, who was at the party to see some old friends. “I didn’t want to go at first, but it actually was a ton of fun… well, except for when the bands started. I was trying to catch up with everybody, and then we were all corralled down to the basement because someone wanted to ‘keep the scene alive.’ Ugh.”

Opening band Olympic Sized Fool presented a truly deplorable mix of pop/punk, bad jokes, and problematic banter, which successfully thwarted the collective celebration prior to their set. As they finished, the audience quickly dispersed upstairs, where morale improved, but not for long.

“Dude, the House has the best old-school video game collection,” said fellow attendee Calvin Hagerty. “We were having a super-intense GoldenEye 007 tournament. We’d gotten down to the final four, and some guy just came up and unplugged it because he needed the power strip for his pedal board. ‘Jake said it was OK,’ he said. Nobody named Jake even lives there.”

Throughout the night, House Madness owner and promoter Chad O’Dell made sweeps of the venue, struggling to bring everyone into the basement for the next band.


“I couldn’t believe it,” said O’Dell. “People smoking pot in Jessie’s room, playing video games in the den, a bunch of people laughing and bonging beers on the front porch. I went into the garage, and you know what I saw? These four assholes had fixed my ping pong table and were playing a game out there. Some douchebag even rescued a few kittens from under the porch and found them homes… all when they should have been watching the bands!”

After successfully herding the reluctant crowd into the overstuffed basement, the headlining band of the evening began their set.

“Hey, we’re Area of Separation from Buffalo, and we’re gonna get this fucker started!” said frontman Anthony Thurman. “Hey! Someone tell those pussies outside playing horseshoes to come in and fuckin’ enjoy themselves!”