ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local heavy metal fan Eric Tullman was saddened that the Mercyful Fate shirt he was wearing while making an emergency restroom stop in a historic church didn’t cause him to combust when he entered, several sources report.
“After mixing a full portion of Rochester New York’s gourmet dining staple known as a ‘garbage plate’ and my horrible, hyperactive Irritable Bowel Syndrome, I needed a bathroom, fast. Unfortunately, the nearest building to me at the time was this super old church,” Tillman explained, adding he noticed a wedding procession taking place inside. “I thought, ‘I have to really take a shit, but I don’t want to explode because of my shirt…but then again, how cool of a story would it be to crash a wedding with Mercyful Fate-induced human fireball?’ So I ran into the church and though I didn’t burst into flames, I did end up crapping my pants and was kicked out immediately. Better luck next time, I guess!”
According to King Diamond, there is a long story behind why people in situations similar to Tullman’s don’t end up as ash piles.
“When Mercyful Fate became more and more established, people wearing our shirts in churches were set ablaze left-and-right. As evil and badass as this was, I knew that this couldn’t go on forever, so I struck a deal with God,” Mr. Diamond stated. “He and I agreed that if he stopped making my fans explode, I promised to not release any new music, and in turn stop spreading the word of our lord Lucifer for a minimum of a decade at a time. Sure it’s not very metal, but the safety of my fans is #1 priority.”
Music historian Richard Green claims shirts from bands across many genres have caused unusual phenomena.
“Aside from the obvious being a catalyst for potential insults, a lot of bands underestimate the power their t-shirts wield,” Green explained. “Sometimes a simple band shirt can bestow unimaginable abilities on whoever is wearing it. As a matter of fact, one kid in the late 1990s became instantly proficient in both skateboarding and bowling simply by wearing a Goldfinger shirt. I’d say that’s a pretty decent reward for taking a gamble on being seen in public wearing a ska band’s merch.”
At press time, Tullman became disappointed even further when the Mortician t-shirt he wore to a local horror convention didn’t give him any additional film knowledge in his attempt to impress actor Robert Englund.