COTTAGE GROVE, Ore. — Local grindcore drummer Jermaine Anderson assured his girlfriend Tatiana Wayford that being in his band has yet to result in attention from women, confirmed sources who seconded that.
“There’s just something about the unrelenting blast beats and unintelligible vocals of the grindcore genre that repel women,” said Anderson while adding more blood to the band’s logo concept. “In fact, my last three girlfriends broke up with me after I showed them our demo. Our shows are 99% sweaty guys who are only there because their band goes on next. So yeah, we’re not exactly living in some sex-filled Mötley Crüe-esque orgy reality. In fact, our groupies are mainly just 20-year-old dudes who say ‘hell yeah’ to us after our set. If anything, I got a girlfriend in spite of being in a grindcore band.”
Wayford admits that she doesn’t quite believe her boyfriend.
“Are you trying to tell me that a man will go through all that trouble of learning an instrument, finding other guys to start a band with, and crafting actual songs, and he’s not using that to his sexual advantage? That can’t be the case,” said Wayford while going through Anderson’s phone and only seeing texts from the same three guys. “If I know anything about music it’s that the people who make it are perennially horny. Sure, Jermaine and I don’t even have sex but that’s mainly because I’ve been entirely too turned off after he told me his band name is Prix Fixe Amniotic Fluids. So gross.”
Experts noted a long track record of similar instances.
“It’s a common myth that guys in bands are having sex 24 hours a day,” said music historian Gwendolyn Dipper. “When you tell a prospective mate that you are in a band, it actually signals to them that you do not possess the desirable qualities in a partner, like mental stability or financial well-being. It’s actually a great way to weed out potential lovers. Let’s be real, no one has less sex in the universe than prog-rock bassists. Grindcore drummers are not far behind.”
At press time, the band was seen at a show almost getting the attention of a woman but it was only the bartender asking if they wanted another round of drinks.