MADISON, Wis. — Audience members watching nü-metal band Dizguzt last night slowly realized that frontman Colin Greene genuinely couldn’t hear their confirmation that they were ready to rock, sources with voices hoarse from yelling confirmed.
“You know, at first, I felt guilty for not cheering loud enough. I personally came ready to rock, but I didn’t feel comfortable speaking for everyone else’s ability to rock… or roll, for that matter,” said audience member Katie Sullivan. “Then, after, like, the fifth time of him telling us he can’t hear us, I realized he actually couldn’t hear us. People were getting desperate; the guy next to me started trying to tell him we were ready through sign language. Someone was doing smoke signals… or they were just vaping. I’m not sure.”
Witnesses confirmed that ready-to-rock audience members used increasingly creative tactics to inform Greene the show could continue.
“Everyone was pretty ready to rock after 10 minutes of him shouting out and dedicating random people,” said fellow attendee Seth Sherman. “We’d stretched, barricaded the windows, ran the necessary drills for overly enthusiastic drunk dudes in the pit… but still, it seemed like the show was going nowhere. A couple of us used lipstick on a poster board to make a sign and let him know everyone was pro-rock.”
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Dizgust bass player Danny Brooks later explained that, unfortunately, Greene’s hearing issues go further than audience reaction.
“Oh, this is far from the only problem we have. Every show, he complains to the sound guy about a ‘high-pitched ringing’ coming through his monitor,” said Brooks. “There was even a fire at our hotel one time, but he didn’t hear the fire alarm, and I ended up having to drag him out of the room. I got some pretty bad burns on my feet and hands, and he still refuses to accept reality.”
For his part, Greene insisted that his inability to communicate with the audience isn’t entirely on him.
“Trying to gauge the emotions of thousands of people at a time is very difficult,” yelled Greene privately. “For example, we ask how everyone’s doing tonight, and they just say, ‘woo.’ That doesn’t even remotely tell me how they’re doing tonight — it’s not a real word. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that information?”