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Eric Trump Repeatedly Testifies That It’s His Turn To Play With Judge’s “Big Wood Hammer”

NEW YORK — Eric Trump continually derailed the proceedings in the $250 million fraud case against the Trump family and their company when he took the stand and repeatedly insisted it was his turn to play with the gavel, disappointed sources confirmed.

“I want it now! I know the first lady!” said the third Trump child, much to the chagrin of his father’s legal team. “Two weeks ago I saw a fire truck and they honked the horn for me. Then, then my dad gave me a bunch of papers and we put them in my Jansport backpack and he said ‘These are very special papers, if anyone asks to see them scream as loud as you can.’ Then he got mad at me because I lost the mittens he pinned to my jacket. And since I’ve been so good and haven’t revealed any of the frauds I should get to play with the hammer. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!”

The judge in the case gave his perspective in between chain-smoking Parliaments like he’s never done before.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. I thought I would be dealing with an adult, or at least a person who can pass as an adult, but he was a mess. He had chocolate on his lips like he just ate a big Hershey Bar, and he kept burping and saying ‘scuse me,’” said New York Supreme Court Justice Arthur Engoron. “I almost had to have my bailiff restrain Mr. Trump because he kept trying to climb out of the stand and onto my bench so he could peak under my robe. Can we just convict these meatballs already so I can get back to my usual illegal dealings?”

Donald Trump’s reelection communications director, Steven Cheung, was not bothered by the younger Trump’s time on the stand.

“Who the hell does that judge think he is? If Eric wants to play with the gavel then give the kid the gavel. Does this judge go to local pre-schools and knock the Bluey stuffed animals out of the kids’ hands? It’s outrageous and clearly a violation of the First Amendment,” said Cheung. “Everyone in this courtroom wants their turn with the loud hammer and it’s unfair that the old man in the stupid robe gets to have all the fun and be the only one yelling. I can’t wait to get Trump reelected so we can have this guy executed.”

At press time, the Trump campaign denied knowledge of a trial and asked us to leave.