DES MOINES, Iowa — Slipknot percussionist Shawn “Clown” Crahan reportedly resolved to hit a beer keg with his baseball bat at least 50 times a day in 2025, sources confirmed.
“I fell into a routine with this thing and my skills diminished as a result,” Crahan said. “I’m not going to let them slip away, though. I consider it an honor and a privilege to undertake keg and bat duty in Slipknot. Starting now, it’s going to be 50 hits a day, no excuses. I’m also going to keep proper form at the highest priority. No more half-assed, one-handed swings. Going forward, I’m choking up with both hands and staying on the balls of my feet with my weight concentrated on my right side. Just wait until you see me a year from now. It’ll be like a completely new man working the keg on that stage.”
Fan Justin Richer remarked on Crahan’s resolution.
“I just saw Slipknot at their Sacramento show in October,” Richer mentioned. “They were awesome, as usual, but I definitely got the feeling that Clown was phoning it in on the keg. It just didn’t seem like he was putting forth his best effort, even when they played ‘Duality,’ which is where the keg work is most prominent. It was disheartening because there are millions of people who would kill to be swinging that bat up there. I’m glad he’s determined to better himself, though. Honestly, I had been considering swearing off my fandom entirely, but now I’m excited to see them perform after he’s improved his skills.”
Nu-metal life coach Aubrey Carvalho offered her expertise on the situation.
“New Year’s is a great time for our favorite Tripp pants-donning musicians to improve upon their performances,” Carvalho offered. “Whether it’s Fred Durst dusting up on his slow-motion pelvic thrust to full-body headbang he demonstrated so adroitly in the ‘Faith’ music video, or Mudvayne’s Ryan Martinie perfecting the creepy smile in time with his iconic bass line to ‘Dig,’ the decision to resolve to better themselves at the start of the new year is commendable. It’s my job as a life coach to make sure they stick to it, and you’d better believe I’m going to make sure Clown keeps hitting that keg.”
At press time, Slipknot’s other percussionist also vowed to mime masturbating the long nose on his mask for at least an hour every day.