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All Sex Canceled

BREAKING: The beloved love-making act known as sex, widely influential on a wide variety of music genres, has been unilaterally and unconditionally canceled following reports of Prince’s death.

Early reports confirm that sex, enjoyed by people of all colors and creeds, to the music of Prince, is, in fact, canceled. And that’s final. We just can’t right now. It doesn’t feel right.

“It is with profound sadness that I am confirming that the legendary, iconic act of bumping uglies to the sounds of Prince Rogers Nelson, is canceled,” said Prince and sex’s shared publicist, Smooth Jimmy. “At least for the time being.”

While the majority of sex cancellations were done out of deference to the noted musician, actor, and sex choreographer, people attempting to have sex in a Prince-less world have reported that without Prince, sex seemed to be quite simply impossible.

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According to local sex-haver Alan Newmark, “It’s not anything biological or technical, it’s just like… without Prince… how do you even DO it? What’s the point?” Newmark went on to explain that, until science proves otherwise, a world without Prince is a world in which he can not, and will not, make sweet love. “My sex playlist has always been Prince’s greatest hits on shuffle, so without him around, I might need some time to feel comfortable again.”

Fans on social media have already expressed countless tributes to the legendary artist, musician, and sexual pioneer who is partially responsible for every human birth since 1978, when he released his landmark first album For You.

Article by Ryan Harnedy @rharnedy. Photo courtesy of WBR.