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Action Bronson Gunned Down by Diabetes

NEW YORK — Rapper and television personality Action “Mr. Wonderful” Bronson was brutally murdered on the streets of Queens last night during a long and drawn-out altercation with Type 2 diabetes, according to witnesses.

In a scene described as “pretty much what we expected to happen eventually,” Bronson was allegedly eating an entire braised duck with his bare hands when the pancreatic disorder struck him down.

“He died doing what he loved,” said one member of his entourage, wiping away a tear. “A few months back, he said he couldn’t feel his feet… but we figured he was just cold because it’s winter, and he’s always wearing shorts and flip-flops and shit. We should’ve got him on the treadmill sooner.”

The autopsy not only confirmed the cause of death, but also revealed a level of marijuana intoxication experts said “defied scientific explanation.”

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“I’m not sure what was more shocking: the sugar levels in his blood, or the THC content,” said Marijke Suter, a spokesperson for the city coroner. “While we still believe it’s impossible to die from a marijuana overdose, if this man had a few more years of life… who knows? We lost a pioneer, that’s for damn sure.”

While many fans mourned the loss of a music icon, parental groups condemned Bronson’s “culinarily suggestive” lyrical content.

“Bronson set a dangerous example, and he got what was coming to him,” said parent Curtis Squatch at an American Parents for Responsible Dieting meeting. “His words speak for themselves: ‘Bone marrow roasted / spread it on the rosemary bread, lightly toasted / drizzle with the vinaigrette / stuffed Duchess and it’s pulling like a cigarette.’ The artisanal imagery makes me sick to my stomach. What happened to rappers talking about chicken tasting like wood?”

At press time, programmers were working on a Bronson hologram to finish the remainder of his scheduled performances, likely to be the “most shirtless” hologram ever created.

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