It’s September, which basically means it’s Halloween and Alkaline Trio have long held the distinction of being the spookiest boys, who are actually grown men, in all of contemporary punk. And if you’re reading this, then you’re likely nine pumpkin-flavored rum drinks deep and about to hit on someone whose costume appears to be “slutty coffin maker.” But how can you be expected to make a move when you’ve been stuck listening to the “Monster Mash” on repeat for the last four hours?
Well, you’re in luck! Because in listening to Alkaline Trio in preparation for the season we’ve ranked all of the band’s Halloween-iest songs that you can slip into that shared Spotify playlist without anyone but you and that sexy casket aficionado noticing. Here’s our list of 25 Alkaline Trio songs ranked by spook factor. (Listen to the playlist, click here)
25. I’m Dying Tomorrow
Starting off with a pretty low bar choice here. “I’m Dying Tomorrow” is barely spooky in comparison to the rest of Alkaline Trio’s catalog, but it’s still a song about partying in the face of your own mortality so by that metric it deserves at least inclusion on this list.
24. The Torture Doctor
When this song title suddenly appears in the shared playlist you might clock a few confused looks around the room. But don’t worry – once it starts playing you’re going to get a whole lot more confused looks and it won’t seem to matter anymore.
23. Dead End Road
A song about childhood trauma isn’t necessarily the best thing to slip into a Halloween playlist, but thinking back on just about every autumn dance we went to in junior high, it isn’t exactly the worst thing either.
22. Lead Poisoning
Think of “Lead Poisoning” as the song that starts playing right before someone decides to streak the whole party wearing only a lampshade on their head. Sure, it’s not that spooky, and yes that guy was not dressed as a lamp when the party began, but if it fits with the whole vibe of what’s going on then who’s going to call it out on the playlist.
21. Sweet Vampires
Hey, you better think about starting to make your move on the slutty coffin maker here soon. There are three different dudes dressed as Beetlejuice who all seem to have had the same idea as you.
20. Warbrain
Melodically “Warbrain” has the same tone as being chased through the woods by Slenderman would feel. Maudlin lyrics as well, but a few odd glances aside, we doubt anyone will notice you got it onto the Bluetooth.
19. Radio
Honestly, this song isn’t really spooky at all. But we’re legally obligated to include it in any article referencing Alkaline Trio, so here it is – if you’re a part of the band’s legal counsel this is where you can stop reading.
18. Sadie
An in-depth exploration of the Manson family murders definitely fits the kind of vibe you’re going for, and that opening guitar riff is haunting in all the right ways. Just hope that no one is paying too close attention to the lyrics or you’re gonna get busted and likely labeled as a sociopath.
17. Goodbye Forever
One of these days we’re going to figure out which Crowley book it was specifically that diverted Alkaline Trio away from pretty run-of-the-mill spook punk and into full-on “Dracula’s house band” mode. This song represents the former.
16. As You Were
This song will speed by before most people will even have been aware that it was playing. But for the handful who maybe catch the last few chords it’s still sufficiently Halloweeny to not upset the people who are clearly only at the party because they’re someone’s coworker paying back a favor.
15. Bad Time
Hurry up and make your move! One of the Beetlejuices is circling!
14. Calling All Skeletons
This remarkably catchy song won’t necessarily go unnoticed, as it is impossible to hear it without immediately seeking out the nearest skeletal rib cage to play like a xylophone. But even though it may engage the other partygoers no one would dare ask “who in the hell put this on?” without it being intended as congratulatory.
13. Draculina
What is it with guys and their fucking puns? I guess we’ll say, to their credit, it’s pretty impressive to run a streak of coolness like they have considering some of the spookarific turns of phrase they’ve decided to name their songs and albums. But yeah, anyway, “Draculina” is fine.
12. She Took Him To the Lake
This one will go unnoticed by everyone except for one guy dressed as The Crow who is going to ask you if “the Misfits have a new lead singer” because he doesn’t recognize it before walking away. It’s fine – this is not a person you want in your life anyway.
11. Sun Dials
Save this one for later in the night, when everyone is already hammered and there have been at least three injuries related to pumpkin carving. It’s spooky enough to blow past anybody at that point.
10. Blue Carolina
All three Beetlejuices are in the bathroom. Go! Go! Go!
9. Tuck Me In
“Tuck Me In” would fit in perfectly with any “Sounds of Ghouls” sound effects CD playing on your neighbor’s patio as they hand out perfectly razor-blade-laden candy to all those little brats running around dressed as spider-men, and it will work fine for this progressively more morbid party playlist as well.
8. Smoke
Are you supposed to slow dance to Halloween music? Like, probably right? Like how a Dracula would? If so, try it with this one – it’s just got that sort of mood to it.
7. Sleepyhead
There’s a longshot chance that one person might notice it when you try to slip this song onto the playlist, but that’s only because you cut “I Put a Spell on You” off right in the middle, so really this one is on your crappy timing.
6. Donner Party (All Night)
Who doesn’t like a good tune about gruesome survival cannibalism? No one! That’s who! No one’s even going to give a shit as this song reminds them to check the snack table one more time before all of the buffalo wings are gone.
5. I Lied My Face Off
Never mind, the sexy Cryptkeeper left already. Shit. Well, let’s finish fucking up this playlist already.
4. Blackbird
This song sounds like it could have come straight out of a Tim Burton movie about the Air Force. It’s got a creepy tone, creepier lyrics, and the guy who produced it was a literal murder of crows. Yep, this one fits right in.
3. Private Eye
Arguably the best song ever written about Dick Tracey, “Private Eye” could give “Spooky Scary Skeletons” a run for its money as a Halloween staple. Though any Alkaline Trio fan ever made is gonna recognize that opening guitar riff, not a one of them is going to call you out for sneaking it onto this playlist.
2. We’ve Had Enough
For a song about the rampant commercialism in mainstream rock, the imagery of eyeless angels and orphan corpses pretty much tracks for the era in which it was written. Regardless, the overwhelming hardcore spookiness of “We’ve Had Enough” more than meets party playlist criteria.
1. Time To Waste
This song may have actually been written specifically for a haunted house sound effects CD – one crafted under the influence of ketamine, mind you, but for that purpose all the same. “Time To Waste” is a fantastic song for whether you’re slipping unnoticed into a Halloween playlist or breaking into a gated cemetery to steal teeth for whatever weird purpose you would need to steal teeth for. Now go enjoy that playlist – it may be the last thing you ever do. Oooooooooooooooooh!
Listen to the playlist: