The Trump campaign has been in a downward spiral ever since the media caught wind of the fact that he and everyone around him are “weird.” So far, he’s adamantly denied this, which is frankly the wrong move given how clearly fucking weird he is. We never thought we would be giving advice to Donald Trump, but seriously guy, your best move is to just embrace it.
What better way for Trump to pivot his campaign into a weird-forward direction than to source his campaign song from the king of weird himself, Weird Al Yankovic?! It just makes sense. Every time Trump tries to use a popular song in his campaign he immediately gets called out by the artist and told to stop, but since Weird Al already steals his music to begin with, he won’t really have grounds to protest. Entrenching yourself with people on shaky legal footing so that they can’t call you out on your crimes is straight out of the Trump playbook, we’re surprised he hasn’t thought of it already.
Here are the top 30 Weird Al hits ranked by how likely they will become the anthem that carries the Trump campaign all the way to humiliating defeat this November (listen along to the playlist, click here):
30. Polkamania!
Really this spot is a placeholder for all of the Weird Al polka mixes; “Polka Power!,” “Polka Your Eyes Out,” “Angry White Boy Polka,” the list goes on. Probably not the way to go since they all directly quote artists who will condemn him if pushed, but there’s something about mashing a bunch of hit songs together to make “the greatest, hugest, best song” that feels very Trump-logic.
29. Inactive
Trump loves calling opponents names like “lazy” so it’s not unimaginable that he would adapt this song as a dis track against Kamala Harris. And then people will say “But the song says YOU’RE inactive” and he’ll say fire back with “No, use your brain, I have the best brain,” and like, you can see it, right?
28. Smells Like Nirvana
Probably the wrong move. Even through the lens of Weird Al, Trump doesn’t have the mental capacity to appreciate even the most mass-appeal offering of anything you would call alternative music. It’s been confirmed that VP nominee Tim Walz is the first major party candidate to know who Hüsker Dü is, so he should avoid going down that road.
27. Tacky
This could work if Trump goes full-force into the ironic self-depreciation. “Right now the Democrats are saying it’s ‘weird’ that I wanna make America great again. Well, what can I say? I’m weird. I’m ‘cringe.’ I’m tacky.” Cue song, he does a disgusting little old white man dance, everyone throws up in their mouth a little bit, it’ll be great!
26. The Night Santa Went Crazy
Let’s not rule out using one of Mr. Yankovic’s original compositions! What does a melodic account of a Santa murder spree have to do with politics? Absolutely nothing, and therein lies its strength. We’re going full-boar weird on this one, all logic out the window. Windmills cause cancer, bleach cures Covid, Santa murders people, vote for me!
25. Lasagna
It’s as catchy as “La Bomba” with the added bonus of featuring one of America’s greatest comfort foods, lasagna! Unfortunately, such food is a little too “ethnic” for Trump, so he’ll probably pass.
24. Ebay
All the catchy earworm power of an early ‘00s boy band hit coupled with a nod to his ever-popular “He’s gonna run the country like a business” narrative.
23. Like a Surgeon
Because he’s going to cut resources from government programs millions of people depend on “like a surgeon.”
22. I Love Rocky Road
Why should Trump use this for his campaign song? “Because the godless liberals are working tirelessly to make marshmallow chocolate ice cream illegal!” It’s not remotely true, but it has every bit of credibility as all of the other shit he says, so why not?
21. Foil
This one is for the hardcore Qanon believers. Those people are no strangers to tinfoil, and they’ll appreciate the shout-out to their hats.
20. My Bologna
In all his scramble to find a childish gibberish insult for Kamala that will actually stick Trump is bound to land on “Kamala Bologna” at some point in the coming weeks. He’s still hung up on “Kamabala” at the moment, but he’ll get there. With this song backing it up, it just might have some staying power. It’s his exact brand of nonsense, and we think it has potential not seen since “covfefe.”
19. Fat
To him, this is the height of comedy. Trump has never shied away from calling opponents derogatory names as childish as “old” and “fat,” and he’s never let objectively being both of those things get in his way. The confusion of the lyric being “I’m fat” and not “My opponent is fat” only plays further into Trump’s trademark chaos.
18. Couch Potato
Listen closely to the lyrics on this one, it’s basically a protest song for the type of people who want a reality TV star to be president.
17. Deja Vu (But Worse)
This is the closest Weird Al has ever gotten to a political protest song, and while Biden dropping from the race already puts it out of date, it actually features Trump soundbites. He would probably listen to it and think “Who the hell is this guy, he’s so damned smart!”
16. It’s All About the Pentiums
It’s still confounding to us that this senile geriatric became the go-to candidate for tech bros and Musk sycophants, but if you got it flaunt it?
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