20. Jon Fishman
Together with Phish’s eponymous drummer, you would forage for strawberries, share dresses, and kill, and smoke rare drugs in the forest. The vacuum cleaner he plays on stage could signal battle or, like, “I’m lost—where the hell is everyone?”
19. Stella Mozgawa
The Warpaint drummer has lived in Australia, Poland, and Flea’s house—so she’d be ready to guide you through flora, fauna, or whatever you might call the bassist for Red Hot Chili Peppers.
18. Tico Torres
When you’re out in the brush with Tico—and don’t ask how, but we have been—and you’re livin’ on a prayer, you’d want someone to be there for you, always. Tico can do that. And has. Don’t ask how.
17. Anderson .Paak
Anderson came through homelessness in L.A. with his family intact. That’s Mad Max shit. He could get you to the other side of the ravine—and somehow record an album in the process.
16. Janet Weiss
Weiss learned how to play drums for Sleater-Kinney in two weeks. So when you invite her to shoot the crazed banshee pointing a small cannon at you, she’d learn how to use a Remington 700 in two seconds.
15. Max Weinberg
Mighty Max would have the best posture in the jungle and scream as he knifed an attacker to his right, to his right again, always to his right.
14. Stewart Copeland
Dude kicks ass, right? Plus, unlike Weinberg, he’s a lefty and would match up well against all the right-handed neo-medieval spikeballers out there.
13. Joey Kramer
Everyone knows “Love in an Elevator” is one of the great contributions to 20th-century thought. Kramedog was part of that and would know how to live it up when you’re going down.
12. Rick Allen
This guy lost his arm in an Alfa Romeo accident in ’85 and continues to play drums to this day. You might lose an arm in the apocalypse. You’d want Ricky Baby to help you through.
11. Moe Tucker
Tucker knows a thing or two about sleep deprivation and killing under pressure—not so much from being the Velvet Underground’s drummer but from raising five children. She’d be the one drummer who could lead the group. Just shut up and listen.
10. Alex Van Halen
AVH would roll with any changes in leadership and already comes equipped with a Vietnam-era headband. He’d be able to split up the loot 51/50.
9. Samantha Maloney
The Hole and Mötley Crüe drummer turned down a D-I basketball scholarship to go on tour. Just give her a machete and put her up front.
8. Mick Fleetwood
At 6’5″, Fleetwood’s a bit of an oaf. But the big man has experience keeping a group together with some leaving (dying, in your case), some divorcing (dying), and new people (murderers) being added. Also, he can throw a drumstick straight through a human heart. He did it one night in Brighton.
7. Liberty DeVitto
Billy Joel’s drummer was born in 1950 and looks like he might have been in ’Nam. That’s good enough. Anybody who could handle Saigon and “Goodnight Saigon” could be of great help toward living an extra day or two.
6. Ringo Starr
Ringo would be great at disappearing in plain sight. Even when he was on stage with the Beatles, even when singing “Octopus’s Garden,” he was barely there. So when you’re white-lipped out in the desert you could stand behind Ringo and watch that band of rogues on horseback pass you by.
5. Tobi Vail
This Riot Grrl and inspiration for “Smells Like Teen Spirit” wouldn’t be intimidated by any gang of gnarly men. She’d be up to kill and, if provoked, bikini kill.
4. Cindy Blackman
Rewatch the video to Lenny Kravitz’s “Are You Gonna Go My Way?” and try to tell us she’s not stabbing the snare drum. Notice the form, the precision. Are you scared yet? You’d want her with you and not against you.
3. Steven Adler
Adler’s probably still livid about being replaced by yes-man Matt Sorum. In battle, he’d use that anger. Word is he can kill with the guiro he used in the song “Anything Goes.” He still has it.
2. Phil Collins
Phil the Thrill could hack his way through a gang of supply raiders on horseback and then, with his mellifluous singing voice, lull you to sleep at night. Also, if your leader goes down he’d make a surprisingly good, if reluctant, replacement. Get him on your team already, we already know he has no problem watching a man die.
1. Sheila E.
Nobody survives like Sheila Escovedo—just read her memoir. She’s dated and toured with Prince, so you know she’d be able to roll with dramatic changes in itinerary and costume. She’d also be your guide and your oracle, summoning the spirit of the great Tito Puente, her godfather. Together their timbales would shake the earth and the sky. She can also drum standing up.