Well another election cycle is upon us, and as per usual the GOP roster is an absolute mess. No matter what your enterprise is, you know you’re in trouble when your front-runner is a guy named Ron or Don, or some combination of both.
Since the last Republican president was a despicable guy from television, why not go with one of the most despicable characters of all time? Here are the top 50 characters from “The Sopranos” ranked by their chances of clinching the nomination.
50. Georgie
We’re currently beating Georgie with a telephone because we didn’t like the look on his face, so we’re going to assume he doesn’t have the charisma to make a presidential run.
49. Charmaine Bucco
Charmaine is a strong, independent woman who calls it like she sees it, has no stomach for classism, and isn’t afraid to speak her mind. A woman like that has no place in the GOP.
48. Meadow Mariangela Soprano
She’s got despotism on lock and she has experience with the legal system, but the wrong side. You’re supposed to put the poor people IN the jails if you want to impress Republicans Mead.
47. Dr. Jennifer Melfi
Unless it’s in theology, nothing turns off conservative voters more than a doctorate.
46. Artie Bucco
We hate to quote Trump even in this tongue-in-cheek conceit, but “Known loser. Low Energy. Sad.”
45. Massive Genius
He’s a strong self-promoter and he can court conservative boomers to an extent, but once the conversation moves away from “The Godfather” trilogy, he’s sort of out of moves.
44. Daniel Baldwin
You would think being an actual person would shoot Daniel to the top of this list, but we can think of at least three other Baldwins with e better shot at the White House.
43. Bobby “Bacala” Baccalieri
Bobby’s warmth, good-heartedness, and remorse for having to kill people may fly in the New Jersey mafia, but it has absolutely no place in today’s conservative movement.
42. Hesh Rabkin
Hesh is a successful businessman, which Republicans usually love, but oy vey, there’s just something about him that we don’t see conservative voters getting behind. Can’t quite put our finger on it, but we feel like Republicans would be kvetching left and right if this guy was the nominee. He’s certainly got the chutzpah to schlep his way up the polls but something just tells us the whole campaign would eventually plotz. Okay, we’ll stop beating around the bush — it’s his interracial relationships.
41. Furio Giunta
Furio is a foreigner, and while conservatives don’t actually give a damn about the rules they’re too fresh off the heels of “Show us the birth certificate!” to get behind him. Maybe in 2028 Furio.
40. Anthony “Tony B.” Blundetto
Anthony’s scrupleless attitude toward murder-for-hire shows the right attitude, but most Republicans will find his penchant for massages uncomfortable.
39. Bruce Cusamano
Sure he’s got the whole exclusive country club vibe going for him, but Cusamano is just too scared to get his hands dirty. Do you think he still has that package Tony gave him?
38. Jeannie Cusamano
Carmela once bullied Jeannie into getting her daughter a recommendation letter using only a casserole. She doesn’t have what it takes.
37. Adriana La Cerva
We could see her gaining momentum as a sort of “conservative answer to AOC” candidate, but just like in her life, once it gets out there where she’s been and who she’s been meeting with, it would be her undoing.
36. Father Phil Intintola
Historically the GOP loves a pious hypocrite and always will, but today’s religious right is a little less catholic and a little more Southern snake charmer.
35. Unnamed Bellman
Probably a long shot considering he only appeared once and had no lines, but never underestimate the machiavellian climbing capacity of Lin-Manuel Miranda.
34. Eugene Pontecorvo
Eugene does way too much actual work to be taken seriously as a presidential candidate.
33. Christopher “Chrissy” Moltisanti
Drug use and schmoozing with the Hollywood elite are just about the only two crimes conservatives won’t look past, and Chrissy done ’em both. If it weren’t for those two things, nothing we’ve seen Chrissy do or say would bar him from Republican candidacy.
32. Gloria Trillo
Gloria is a little too unpredictable to make a viable political candidate, but she does have the look and unhinged temperament of a Fox anchor.
31. J.T Dolan
The guy could write a good speech, but it’s all or nothing with J.T. He owes a lot of money to a lot of dangerous people and one false move it all comes down like a house of cards.
30. Dr. Elliot Kupferberg
Conservative voters are turned off by the educated “elite,” but Dr. Kupferberg transcends that due to his resemblance to Peter Bogdonavich, a face boomers recognize from a thing they’ve seen.