20. Hikaru Sulu
Sulu is a man of dignity above all else, which means that he’s only going to get somewhat tanked before finding a microphone someplace and treating the entire wedding party to a fabulous, deep-voiced rendition of a Carpenters song, most likely “(They Long to Be) Close to You.” It’ll bring the fucking house down.
19. William Riker
Riker isn’t as far down on this list as you might expect, even though the First Officer of the Enterprise-D seems like someone who’s a little too comfortable feeding his date daiquiri after daiquiri. However, Riker doesn’t lose his cool if he can help it, and he already has a DUI, so he’s got to be careful.
18. Harry Mudd
This mustachioed conman is always working an angle and figuring out how to marry off drug addicts to interstellar colonists because ‘The Original Series’ is much darker than you remember. Unlike Quark, however, he is motivated by basic greed instead of quasi-religious devotion, so he’ll probably decide the best score is as many bottles of wine as he can fit into the trunk of his space car, and then he’ll get drunk, and do a hit-and-run.
17. Elim Garak
Although Deep Space Nine’s resident tailor and gay-coded former spy enjoys his euphoria-inducing brain implant above all else, Garak has so little else in his life that he would probably get fairly trashed and tell everyone how he has tortured many, many people to death. But he’ll be charming about it.
16. General Chang
Klingons like two things: to kill things and to party after, or possibly the other way around. The mutinous, conspiratorial General Chang is no exception, and we’d like to think that he lost that eye in some Chech’tluth-related accident. As long as the wedding isn’t to celebrate a peace treaty or an absence of genocide, he’ll probably get pleasantly toasted.
15. Jean-Luc Picard
Jean-Luc Picard is French and grew up on a vineyard with a cold, distant father (a Trek specialty) and a mother who had frequent psychotic breaks. Needless to say, Picard can go to town on a carafe of Beaujolais (or supermarket red wine) with the best of him. If he gets drunk enough, he might even have some Borg flashbacks and smash something.
14. Kathryn Janeway
The captain of the Voyager is best known for drinking black coffee constantly, which is probably why she’s kind of a testy jerk a lot of the time. However, you don’t get that deep, Kathleen Turner-esque voice without having knocked back a tumbler or four of scotch on a regular basis. Most likely, she’d show up already buzzed but so caffeinated, you’d never know it.
13. Jake Sisko
Jake Sisko wants to be a writer, which already indicates that he’s nursing a secret drinking problem. His dad definitely won’t let him drink, but he’ll sneak off with a bottle of vodka and end up puking while Sisko Sr. looks down upon him disapprovingly. With any luck, he’ll write a terrible short story about it.
12. Reginald Barclay
In a utopian future where society has abolished money, worked through racism and classism, and brought peace to entire worlds, Barclay still manages to find some way to be a pathetic loser. He might think that a wedding would be the perfect time to meet some new people and have fun for once, but this dude will be sloppy after one glass of wine and fall asleep on a toilet at the venue.
11. Miles O’Brien
He’s clearly a borderline alcoholic. Deal with it, like he’s still dealing with the mental trauma of having done mind-prison and killing his only friend over food. If anything, seeing this guy drunk at a wedding would be a relief from him getting sad drunk at Quark’s every night while his wife and child sit at home.
10. James T. Kirk
Did you think that Kirk would be number one on this list? Just because he’s impulsive, reckless, and way too full of himself, that doesn’t mean he’s the type to get drunk at a wedding. He’s going to make a self-aggrandizing speech and make everything about himself while only a little tipsy.
9. The Doctor
The Doctor wants to experience all that humanity is, which is why he became Beowulf at one point. Much like the ancient Viking warrior before him, he would see the value in getting sloshed on some kind of mead and ripping someone’s arm off, even if it’s at a wedding. Plus, unlike Moriarty, he understands how technology works well enough to get drunk.
8. Neelix
Much like Michelangelo (turtle version), Neelix is a party guy. For some reason, Voyager decided that the best thing to do while stranded in unexplored space with limited supplies was to take along a chunk of deadweight like this dude. Ultimately, what we’re saying is that Neelix would get so drunk that he’d try to take multiple centerpieces with him while clearly having stuck a bottle of wine in his weird space-pants.
7. Rom
Quark’s screw-up brother is the exact kind of guy you’d expect to get weepy over tequila bangers at a wedding. He may end up being the supreme overlord of his entire species, but he’s also the exact guy who needs to be gently escorted off the dancefloor and given a glass of water.
6. Jadzia Dax
Dax is up for a good time. She’s willing to get a slug implanted into her, so she’d be willing to get a few slugs of whiskey into her, arm-wrestle the best man, and take his date home. In other words, you should absolutely invite Jadzia Dax to your next wedding.
5. Montgomery “Scotty” Scott
Scotty likes to drink. We’re sorry to resort to stereotypes (sorry, Chekhov), but this particular engineer is not disrupting any archetypes about the Scottish. On the other hand, he would have the best toasts. Let’s not judge an old man too harshly, especially as he has to deal with being the only person on the Enterprise who actually does anything.
4. Worf
Yeah, yeah. Worf is a fearless fighter and has discipline beyond any peers, but is there anything more Klingon than just letting it all hangout and getting super tanked at a celebration? He’s going to be grumpy about it in the morning, but Worf will absolutely get super-sloppy and sing some song about his ancestor killing a hundred thousand people.
3. Q
He may be omnipotent and all-knowing, but he’s not uptight. If there is any aspect of mortality that Q will get into, it’s getting a little too flushed on box wine and busting a move to “Electric Boogie.” If there’s a way to humiliate Picard, so much the better.
2. Lwaxana Troi
Troi’s cool mom is going to do what cool moms do at weddings and get ripped on wine spritzers while dancing in an uncomfortably sexual way. The thing about Lwaxana is that she’s psychic, so she not only knows she’s making people feel weird, she can feel it herself. Anyway, her tall butler will have to drive tonight.
1. Wesley Crusher
You know Wesley Crusher is going to get fucking wasted and make the whole evening about himself. This guy just can’t help it. Even if he’s eventually going to become a cosmic entity and protect the flow of time, he’s still going to get blasted on Slippery Nipples and puke behind the buffet while Data holds his hair back. Shut up, Wesley.