20. Children of the Corn
Everyone loves to complain that kids don’t “go out and play” anymore. I don’t have kids myself, I’m not insane, but I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure my nieces and nephews all become indoor kids because when you let those little monsters out, this is what happens! It starts with a harmless game of flashlight tag and next thing you know they’re out in the corn communing with he who walks beyond the rows hatching murder plots with Malichai. Thank god for TikTok!
19. Summer of 84
Some kids start spying on their neighbor, whom they believe may be a serial killer. Their investigation serves as a delivery vehicle for absolutely shameless spoon-fed nostalgia. It’s an absolute McDonald’s meal of a movie, but the good McDonald’s where everything is at least hot and fresh, not the shitty one off the highway where that dude got stabbed once.
18. The Burning
Another Cropsey-inspired slasher movie, and if the fear of being impaled with gardening shears doesn’t keep you indoors the sexist Weinstein-produced dialogue and Jason Alexander’s bare ass will.
17. It Follows
Summer is the horniest season to anyone without an insatiable Santa fetish, which is about eight out of every nine people. We’re not saying we have one, we’re just saying it’s way more common than you think and shouldn’t be stigmatized. Anyway, this movie shows us that while it may be tempting to go to a bar and try your luck on those lonely summer nights, anyone willing to go home with you probably just has a sex ghost they want to pass on, or best case scenario just herpes.
16. The Addams Family Values
More of a horror-adjacent movie but we had to include it. The Wednesday/Pugsly storyline is all about what happens when you try to force an indoor kid outdoors.
15. X
Who the hell shoots porn on location anymore? The one motel room from every PornHub amateur video works just fine thank you very much. For anyone feeling ambitious with their OnlyFans content, take a look at this cautionary tale first. Maybe just go with a green screen.
14. Sleepaway Camp 2
It would be impossible to replicate the singular weirdness of Sleepaway Camp, so this sequel just has fun with it. This time around Angela is a counselor, determined to put her violent past behind her, but when someone pisses her off even slightly, she loses control and kills them. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, anyone with an upbeat persona is actually a serial killer returning to the site of a childhood murder spree.
13. Arachnophobia
There are a lot of outdoor activities you’ll be pressured into going to this summer—camping, cookouts, the beach— but there’s a one-word iron-clad excuse for sitting out of all of them: bugs. The next time someone tries to string you along for some fun in the sun tell them to watch this movie and get back to you.
12. The Evil Dead 2
Some asshole in our friend group is always trying to convince everyone to chip in on a summer Airbnb group getaway like they’ve somehow never seen this movie. This is the same type of prick who is going to read every snippet of ancient text we find out loud the moment he sees it and unleash terrors from beyond hell. Hard pass!
11. Friday the 13th Part 6
At this point, the franchise is completely self-aware and veering on parody, but we had to include it on our summer horror watch list for two reasons. Firstly, it’s the only one where Jason is actually a threat to kids at a summer camp. Second, as it would frequently air on the USA Network in the middle of the day, it reminds us of our childhood summers spent desperately channel surfing.
10. The Wicker Man
Fuck Burning Man, this movie has better music and less STD’s.
9. Friday the 13th Part 4
Overall not the strongest entry in the series but this is peak hockey mask Jason. It’s got everything you think of when someone says “Friday the 13th” and a plethora of bonus elements to boot, awkward dancing Crispin Glover, shaved head Corey Feldman, and twins just to name a few.
8. In a Violent Nature
This quiet, meditative gruesome murder fest won’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but for slasher genre fans on indica-dominant edibles, it’s a delight. Sit back and let it wash over you like a painting as you wait for your UberEats McDonald’s to arrive knowing you never even need to go down the street anymore let alone into the woods.
7. Midsommar
The only horror movie so bright it acts as one of those sun lamps that tricks your brain. Don’t get us wrong, you’ll be horribly depressed after watching it, it just won’t be sunlight-related. It’s perfect to put on if a loved one says “Why don’t we travel this summer?!”
6. Friday the 13th Part 2
For our money, the best Jason movie is the one that doesn’t even have him wearing the hockey mask. It’s got one of the best third-act final girl sequences in slasher history. Does the hike your friend want you to go on have that? Yeah, we didn’t think so.
5. The Lost Boys
You can sink every penny you have into trying to have summer fun this year and it will all be for nothing, because next to “The Lost Boys” it will be dogshit. Unless your travel agent offers a boardwalk carnival-carousel-sexy sax man-motorcycle-underground club-frog brother comic shop all-inclusive package, stay inside.
4. Friday the 13th
You really need to separate this movie from the Jason of it all to truly enjoy it. It might not have the man in the mask, but what it does have is location, location, location. If you grew up in New England or rural New York, the decrepit, mostly nature-reclaimed Camp Crystal Lake is hauntingly authentic. Watching this movie makes our allergies act up before Pamela even kills the first hitchhiker.
3. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Here it is, the mother of all “Why the fuck would you ever go on a summer road trip?” movies. If you ask the average person who the villain was in “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” they’ll likely say “Leatherface.” A savvy few might say “The Sawyer family.” They’re both wrong, the real villain of the movie is the sun. It’s the real villain because it’s REAL. When you’re watching a girl get chased through laundry sheets by Leatherface with a chainsaw it’s scary, but part of you knows it’s fake. You know what’s not fake? All the goddamn sweat pouring down her face. Filming this movie was hell for the cast and crew because of the sun, the same sun that’s out there, right now, just outside your door. Fuck that.
2. Sleepaway Camp
You know how most summer camp slashers are about teen counselors and not children being murdered? This one says fuck that, and that’s only a fraction of what makes it a singularly weird must-watch movie. It’s more fun than anything your jackass outdoorsy friends want to do right now, so unless you can promise us there’s a pedophile rapist cook being boiled alive at the beach right now don’t even try to get us out the door.
1. Jaws
The movie that invented the summer blockbuster as we know it is also one of the most rewatchable films ever made. Oh, you rode a jetski AND toured a winery this summer? That’s great, we watch the Kintner boy get eaten 36 times. Gotcha beat.
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