30. Horace Pinker from “Shocker”
Trump is pro-death penalty, which is sure to rub Horace—a death row inmate whose botched execution turned him into an electricity demon—the wrong way. He can travel through television sets, so as long as Trump doesn’t spend half his day fuming in front of the television he should be safe. Oh, he does? Uh oh…
29. Esther from “Orphan”
She can get past the first few waves of security posing as a harmless child, then drop the act and go full evil Russian. Trump will assume she’s a deep cover agent here from the motherland to give him his new marching orders.
28. Dracula
Dracula’s schtick has always been to rub elbows with the aristocracy, paying them social calls and delightfully floating freely amongst high society while secretly feeding on their daughters. One look at the all-McRib spread at a Trump party, however, may just make him forsake his gentlemanly status and turn on his host.
27. Frankenstein
Ugh, okay fine, yes, the MONSTER will strangle Donald Trump to death, not Dr. Frankenstein. Fucking nerds.
26. Carrie
Would Carrie use her telekinetic powers to dispatch the Secret Service and murder a former president? Better question, what the hell is Trump doing at a high school prom? We know he and Epstein always preferred their women “on the younger side” but that’s a bit extreme for a guy currently seeking office.
25. Art The Clown
Okay, yeah, he probably would be able to get the jump on Trump on account of he’s silent and also magic or whatever, and yeah, he would kill him, but he would do so in a manner so on the nose gratuitous that it would be boring as hell. This Trump assassin is for hardcore gore-heads only. More nuanced genre and assassination fans will find little joy here.
24. Harry Powell from “Night of the Hunter”
Trump has spent years cozying up to religious whackos because he needs their numbers. This time he might bite off more than he can chew.
23. The Miner from “My Bloody Valentine”
He represents the working class and the coal industry, two institutions Trump can’t afford to be seen turning his back on now. Guards, stand down.
22. Billy from “Silent Night Deadly Night”
It’s an election year, and the last thing Trump needs is for the media to catch wind of him rebuking Santa Claus.
21. Patrick Bateman
Well, they are old friends after all.
20. Dr. Giggles
Word has it Trump has already tapped him for Surgeon General.
19. Dr. Frank-N-Furter
Take a wild guess why the sweet transvestite from transexual Transylvania might want to take out the former President. He’s dispatched more physically imposing conservatives than Trump before, just look at what he did to Meatloaf!
18. Zombies
We’ve seen how he handles a pandemic.
17. The Prowler
Can Trump really afford to turn down a photo op with a veteran right now? A veteran carrying a farmer’s pitchfork no less? We don’t think so.
16. M3gan
M3gan could easily get past Trump’s security detail by offering him the one thing all of his money can’t buy—friendship.
15. Cujo
Trump is in too deep on his “Haitian immigrants are eating our dogs” narrative to have his security gun down a rabid Saint Bernard now. Get him, boy!
14. Angela from “Sleepaway Camp”
No one suspects Angela until the shocking finale, which also reveals why she might not be thrilled with where the GOP has been headed lately.
13. Leprechaun
Trump acquired one of his gold coins as part of the controversial Bonwit Teller purchase in 1979. It’s not so much a matter of if the Leprechaun kills him, but when.
12. Society
Trump is all about status, and he doesn’t care if said status is good or bad, just as long as it’s high. He’s literally pals with a North Korean dictator. He’s also into some pretty weird sex stuff, so he’ll make an excellent contribution to “Society.” He may already be a member, doesn’t he sort of look like the butt-face guy if he couldn’t quite return to his normal human form?
11. The Thing
I mean, it could BE him, we don’t know! Doesn’t it actually kind of look like him? It would certainly explain his erratic behavior as of late. It’s either Trump or Keith David, we’re pretty sure.
10. Christine
Could this demonic car have its high beams set on the former president? Rumor has it she’s been spotted cruising around D.C. with a “No Shitters 2024” bumper sticker.
9. The Ring Girl
“A lot of people, let me tell you a lot of people won’t watch this video. You ask them ‘Have you watched the video?’ they say ‘No, you can’t watch that!’ well I watched it. Some would say that makes me incredibly brave, I don’t know, but I watched the video and it’s not a big deal folks. The big deal is immigrants. They’re coming to this country when the asylums abort them, they’re crawling out of our monitors with long menacing hair, they’re… wait what the hell is that? Aaaaaaahhh!”
8. Pazuzu from “The Exorcist”
He ranks high, only on the technicality that he has gotten past Trump’s security, in that he is with him always. The ancient demon tried to possess Trump decades ago, but it turned out Trump was actually more evil and took control. He can’t kill him or influence his actions in any way, save for the occasional one-word gibberish tweet. Apparently “covfefe” is demon for “Help me!”
7. The Blob
It’s amorphous, it’s unstoppable, and if you kinda squint it physically resembles a lot of his supporters. The Blob isn’t necessarily stealthy, but honestly, what would the Secret Service even do if they caught it?
6. Death Itself à la Final Destination
Given Trump’s diet, lifestyle, and mind-numbing stupidity it’s kind of miraculous he hasn’t already met his end at the hands of heart disease or a Rube Goldberg-esque series of unfortunate events, but it could still happen at any moment. Plus this one would save us all the obligatory guilt-induced qualifier “I mean yeah, no one should be assassinated, that’s wrong, but…”
5. Chucky
Canonically Chucky has already killed one president. If he goes after Trump there is very little the Secret Service can do to stop him. He’ll either take Trump out or use voodoo to swap bodies with him, in which case people will be unlikely to notice the difference.
4. Jason Voorhees
Jason is not only unkillable, he’s extremely tactical. He won’t just bullrush the Secret Service, Jason knows to take his time. He’ll lurk in the bushes, waiting patiently for the Secret Service to get horny, pair off and scamper into the woods where he can pick them off one by one. By the time Trump realizes anything is amiss it will already be too late.
3. Michael Myers
Michael is patient and relentless. He’s escaped from ultra-high security asylums on numerous occasions and he’s had a bone to pick with the former president ever since he used the debate to try and turn people against escaped mental patients who eat dogs. Will Michael Myers assassinate Trump or will the Secret Service gun him down? We’re not sure, but either way, evil dies tonight!
2. The Candyman
Remember when Trump kept staring right into the goddamn eclipse because people told him not to? Well, how do you think he’s going to react when someone tells him not to say “Candyman” five times in a mirror? The Secret Service follows him just about everywhere, but in the bathroom, he’s on his own.
1. Hannibal Lecter
Honestly, could it really end any other way? Trump is destined to be dispatched by the man who is both his greatest enemy and dearest friend, the late great Dr. Hannibal Lecter. He’ll welcome Lecter into his home with open arms, to match wits as he has done oh so many times before, unable to resist the thrill of their long-standing cat-and-mouse-like rapport. Well, Trump should have kept Lecter’s name out of his mouth this election, because this time will finally be the night the good doctor enjoys Trump’s liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Hell, it may have already happened. If Anthony Hopkins wore Trump’s severed face and gave unhinged speeches, would you really know the difference? Google a recent photo of Trump right now. That is one hangy face.
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