20. Olga Pataki
Olga would love to support unions—if it didn’t clash with her need to be perfect in everyone’s eyes. She’d volunteer to “mediate” between workers and management, then accidentally sell out the union by giving a teary-eyed speech about “how we’re all one big happy family!” before joining the CEO for brunch.
19. Cousin Arnie
Little-known fact: when he’s not too busy being a total creep, Cousin Arnie runs an AI porn art site specializing in Elon Musk deep fake nudes. He doesn’t understand unions, but he’d train his algorithms to union-bust if it meant protecting his “business interests” and avoiding another FBI raid.
18. Sid
Boy Howdy! Sid’s got big scab energy. He’d cross a picket line with a goofy grin, saying, “I’m just here to help!” while misunderstanding what’s at stake. He’s not anti-union—he’s just oblivious, and somehow that’s worse.
17. Miriam Pataki
Awash in a perpetual drunken haze, Miriam will agree with whoever is speaking. This party gal follows the money and doesn’t care that her high-end blender was made by Cambodian amputees for five bucks a day.
16. Rhonda Wellington Lloyd
Rhonda loves the idea of unions—as long as they don’t mess with her trust fund. She’ll show up to a rally in couture overalls, snapping selfies with workers and captioning them, “Power to the People!” before vanishing the second someone asks her to actually help organize.
15. Grandpa Phil
Phil grew up with Jimmy Hoffa and was even Hoffa’s best friend—until Jimmy cheated at a game of stickball back in the day. Phil never forgave him and has hated unions ever since, not out of principle, but purely out of spite. If asked about labor rights, he’ll grumble, “Hoffa was a dirty cheater, and so are unions!” before storming off to spend an hour on the toilet reading old racing forms.
14. The Jolly Olly Man
The Jolly Olly Man started as just another nepo baby riding his family’s ice cream empire, but power went straight to his head. Now, he’s the kind of boss who’d charge workers for using the bathroom and dock their pay for double-scooping.
13. Camp Fire Lass
The Queen Lass runs her troop like a dictatorship in a sash. Mess with her, and she’ll revoke your sick leave, cancel your vacation days, and dock your cookie sales quota just for fun.
12. Gerald Johanssen
Lowkey, Gerald isn’t as pro-union as you’d think. Deep down, he’s a shrewd businessman in the making and finds unions “a little too complicated.” But don’t worry—he’d still sell you on the idea of unions just to keep his cool-guy image intact. Charisma is his game. Solidarity? Eh, maybe later.
11. Rhonda’s Parents
From the comfort of their Aspen vacation home, Rhonda’s parents hate unions almost as much as they hate polyester blends. They’ve never worked a day in their lives, but they gleefully fund anti-labor PACs while sipping martinis in their gold-plated sauna and laughing about “those people who can’t afford ski season.”
10. Caesar
Caesar has worked every grimy job imaginable, from sewage scooper to gum scraper, and not a single one was unionized. He’s salty about it—like, really salty—and will rant to anyone who’ll listen about “those cushy union gigs” while chain-smoking outside the local diner.
9. Curly
When not plotting his next bomb threat or fake hostage situation, Thaddeus “Curly” Gammelthorpe enjoys solo picnics with his homemade charcuterie boards and scrolling 8chan for conspiracy theories. Curly isn’t a union buster because he believes in corporate power—he’s just here to watch the world burn. He’d infiltrate union meetings purely to derail them with nonsense proposals like, “What if we demand free pogo sticks for every employee?” and then set fire to the snack table. Chaos is his union-busting strategy of choice, and honestly? It’s terrifyingly effective.
8. Stoop Kid
We at The Hard Times couldn’t find any info regarding The Stoop Kid’s whereabouts, so we all chipped in for a month’s subscription to Spokeo People Search. We found The Stoop Kid pulled himself up from his tattered Stride Rites and put himself through law school. He’s now a corporate defense lawyer specializing in union-busting litigation, ensuring that labor rights are challenged in every court case possible.
7. Oskar Kokoshka
Oskar likes to blame unions for why he can’t hold a job, all while draining his wife’s bank account on expensive cognac and ill-advised dog race bets. If you ask him why unions exist, he’ll launch into a slurred tirade about “lazy people taking his money” before trying to sell you a toaster that “only smokes a little.”
6. Wolfgang
Too young? Maybe. But don’t let his age fool you—he’s already acting as hired muscle for union-busting gigs. You can practically see his psychotic grin as he cracks knuckles and growls, “You better cross that picket line, or else.” Wolfgang would gleefully go full Deliverance on striking workers to assert his power.
5. Big Gino
Big Gino fancies himself a pint-sized mob boss, complete with a crew of goons ready to make “problems disappear.” But let’s be real—his enforcers are just 12-year-olds with questionable hygiene and zero upper-body strength. Sure, they might intimidate a crossing guard, but if push came to shove, you could take them down with one solid shove. Gino talks a big game, but at the end of the day, he’s still eating Lunchables in the school cafeteria.
4. Vic & Morrie
Oh, they don’t just know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa—they were there. These shady union enforcers turned professional “problem solvers” are the kind of guys who disappear into the shadows after delivering a cryptic warning like, “Accidents happen, ya know?” You can bet your pension they’ve got Hoffa’s favorite suit framed somewhere.
3. Rex Smythe-Higgins III
Raised on old-money arrogance and hard-candy prejudice, Rex’s anti-union stance was cemented as a toddler. His grandfather would wheel him down to the docks to pelt-striking longshoremen with canned sardines. The man genuinely believes child labor laws are “for cowards.”
2. Principal Wartz
Nicknamed “Scabby McScabbikins” by former PS 118 teacher Ms. Slovak, this miserly dictator forced teachers to come in on weekends without overtime. Rumor has it, he once choreographed a disco routine specifically to mock the striking staff. He was once overheard saying, “If the asbestos doesn’t get them, my budget cuts will!”
1. Big Bob Pataki
Surprise, surprise. Did you expect anyone else? Cheap labor is his mantra, and unions are for “lazy sissies” who “can’t hustle enough to get ahead.” In his youth, Big Bob infiltrated Local 359 Electronics Union meetings wielding a baseball bat and shouting, “Who wants a beating?!” The man doesn’t just bust unions; he makes it his life’s work.
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