15. Patrick Bateman – 37 Kills
We checked Patrick’s file and it only had one note from Loomis: “Nice guy, likes music.”
14. Murder Bunny – 40 Kills
Yup, Dr. Loomis wasn’t content ruining just one holiday with his provably unsound therapy methods. This former patient returns to his hometown on Easter Sunday and goes on a killing spree. His gimmick is he gets killed eventually, but then somehow comes back to life 3 days later.
13. The International Cousins Day Strangler – 41 Kills
A relative newcomer to the serial killer scene but he’s been putting out some impressive numbers. Every International Cousins Day he kills people who don’t have cousins. Pretty contrived evil really.
12. Ted Cruz – 43 Kills
Contrary to urban legend, Ted Cruz is not the Zodiac killer. He is a completely separate serial murderer with his own M.O. who, Dr. Loomis is proud to point out, no longer has a fear of flying.
11. The Star Wars Day Strangler – 49 Kills
“May the force, of my hands on your throat, be with you.” Not the coolest catchphrase in the world, but Loomis doesn’t teach writing. He teaches people that they are irredeemably evil.
10. Peter Gains – 54 Kills
Gains checked himself into Smith’s Grove Sanitarium claiming to be dealing with murderous impulses and a feeling of not being human. In a rare instance of not declaring a patient to be pure evil, Dr. Loomis diagnosed Gains with anxiety and prescribed CBD gummies. He is still at large.
9. Duncan Hill – 56- Kills
12-year-old Duncan was taken to Dr. Loomis’s office in an attempt to treat his chronic bedwetting. Loomis diagnosed Hill as suffering from “Evil in its purest form,” which is apparently a separate condition from “pure evil” but on the same axis. A later medical evaluation would reveal that Hill actually suffered from a bladder condition, but by then he had killed 56 people.
8. Mikka Malone – 57 Kills
After her killing spree, a medical diagnosis found the source of Mikka’s aggression to be a brain parasite which was treated with drugs. This differs from Loomis’s initial diagnosis of, let’s see, checking notes, ah, yeah, pure evil.
7. Marshal Parks – 62 Kills
Marshal Parks suffered total amnesia after a car accident and could not remember who he was. Loomis was all too happy to fill in those blanks with a bunch of pure evil talk, and Parks went on to escape and go on a killing spree. Turns out he was an accountant.
6. Sara Meskin – 64 Kills
It seems the more overtly evil a patient was, the less likely Loomis was to make a diagnosis of evil. When Sara Meskin told Loomis that killing people made her feel like God he simply replied “Well, don’t do that.”
5. Dennis Wade Hinckley – 67 Kills
After years in psychiatric care following a murder spree, Hinckley’s lawyer petitioned to have him released claiming he was cured. Loomis testified, insisting that Hinckly be “destroyed.” When the judge reminded him that the state does not “destroy” mentally ill people, Loomis cryptically replied, “We’re not talking about a man.” The recommendation was deemed inadmissible, and the judge was forced to set Hinckley free.
4. Leatherface – 85 Kills
I mean seriously?! The guy drops the ball with Michael Myers and countless others, and they let him treat Leatherface?! At a certain point, you need to accept there’s a common denominator here.
3. Jasper Jenson – 118 Kills
With a career and kill count that rivals Michael Myers, perhaps the only reason Jenson never received as much media attention was because he was so clearly derivative. Jenson wore an Adidas tracksuit, a distorted Mr. Spock mask, and had a backstory that was retconned and rebooted several times over the years. His trademark catchphrase “I haven’t spoken in over 15 years!” was the last confusing thing many of his victims ever heard.
2. Christine – 126 Kills
We’re not sure how you go about psychologically treating a haunted car, but we’re pretty sure calling it “Evil in its purest form” to its face is not the way
1. Covid-19 – 6,919,596 Kills
The novel coronavirus initially saw Dr. Loomis complaining about insomnia.
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