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He’s Just Not Good at His Job: 30 Patients of Dr. Sam Loomis Ranked by How Many People They Went On to Kill

With the spooky season upon us, it’s hard not to find yourself thinking about the tragedies that have become synonymous with Halloween. The multiple killing sprees that rocked Haddonfield Illinois from the ‘70s through just last year are now as associated with the holiday as candy and costumes.

We all know that Michael Myers was the man behind the mask, The Shape who reigned terror on those peaceful suburban streets, but what about the man behind the man? His name is Dr. Samuel Loomis. For 15 years he was Michael Myers’ psychiatrist, and he absolutely sucks at what he does.

Apparently, Michael Myers was neither the first nor last person in Loomis’s care to go on and commit horrific crimes. Here are 30 former patients of his ranked by how many people they’ve killed.

30. Andrew Simms – 3 Kills

Alright, he was a paranoid schizophrenic with a long history of brutal violence, this one probably isn’t on Loomis. Still, it’s perplexing that the doctor recommended driving lessons as part of Simm’s treatment. Pretty much as soon as he learned what the gas pedal did he was gone.

29. David Cain – 3 Kills

Cain had come to Loomis seeking advice to quit smoking, but the doctor became immediately convinced that he was pure evil. He told Cain this repeatedly, but for reasons unknown Cain kept seeing him. Eventually, in the throes of nicotine withdrawal, Cain internalized this message and murdered three of his coworkers.

28. Rebecca Tristen – 5 Kills

Tristen sought Loomis’s advice in navigating communication issues she was having with her husband. The good doctor’s diagnosis? Pure evil. Time and time again Loomis’s go-to move is telling a patient they have the blackest eyes, the Devil’s eyes, and accusing them of being inhuman. In this instance, it turned a suburban housewife with no history of violence or wrongdoing into a jogger-strangling monster.

27. Wilson Clark – 6 Kills

“Tell me about your mother. Was she also pure evil?” Jesus dude, change up your approach.

26. Casey Lorenzo – 6 Kills

In one of his all-time greatest blunders, Loomis meant to write Lorenzo a prescription for Xanax that he could take on airplanes but got his notes mixed up and wound up prescribing pure evil.

25. Bill Maher – 7 Kills

Yes, late-night host Bill Maher is a patient of Dr. Loomis and has killed 7 people. How have we not canceled this guy?

24. Henry Parsons – 9 Kills

During the routine transfer of murderer Henry Parsons, Loomis was twirling around his therapist gun and singing a little song to the tune of “The Muffin Man.” It went like this:
“Here I am with my therapist gun, my therapist gun, my therapist gun, here I am with my therapist gun that I have for some reason.”
The gun slipped from his hand, went off, and destroyed Parsons’s restraints. He killed 3 guards escaping and 6 other people over the course of 5 days. Loomis has since written to several medical journals lobbying for less slippery therapy guns, but has yet to get his paper published.

23. Tommy Aiden – 12 Kills

In his first session with Tommy, then a teen caught doing graffiti, Loomis called Tommy pure evil. Tommy replied “No I’m not,” and Loomis replied, “Oh, what’s the matter, chicken?!”
Nobody calls Tommy Aiden a chicken.

22. Paul McCray – 14 Kills

When Loomis insisted that McCray’s recurring dream about falling wouldn’t stop until his inherent evil was satiated, McCray took matters into his own hands in an incident now known as the Carlsville pitchfork slaughter.

21. Loraine Bacon – 15 Kills

Loraine was a violent psychotic under Dr. Loomis’s care who was set free when Loomis accidentally texted “FREEBACON” to a Smith’s Grove guard. Apparently, this was a promo code for a meal delivery service sent by mistake. How is this man still a doctor?

20. The Gursch Twins – 16 Kills

Samantha and Cindy Gursch were sent to Loomis’s office to test for ADD. The first thing he asked them was “Are you two regular twins, or creepy evil murder twins?” That planted a seed that led to the deaths of 16 people in foster homes across the United States in the ‘90s.

19. Evil – 21 Kills

Yes, this patient had his name legally changed to “Evil.” He walked right into Loomis’s office and said “I am pure evil, I have the devil’s eyes, and I thirst for blood.” Loomis dismissed Evil as an attention seeker, saying “Get back to me when you’ve got some blood on your hands.” Maybe he was, but Jesus man, you shouldn’t call a bluff like that!

18. Andrea Hurd – 23 Kills

In an ill-advised foray into immersion therapy, Loomis escorted an unrestrained serial killer to a crowded fair, put a knife in her hand, and said “Don’t do anything.” She did stuff.

17. Wallace Gissimons – 24 Kills

Gissimons wanted to lose weight, so Loomis made him a subliminal meditation tape to play while he slept. “You are in control of your eating habits. Cheese and cream sauces have no power over you. You are inhuman. Pure evil.”

16. Angel Webber – 32 Kills

When Webber approached Loomis requesting his antipsychotic medication be renewed, Loomis replied “I don’t negotiate with evil.”

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