25. Donna Hayward
It’s your standard Halloween assortment but every now and then she’ll throw a cigarette in your bag as if to say “See, I’m cool and edgy and mysterious just like Laura!”
24. Shelly Johnson
She’s a little stingy on the Kit Kat minis, but she’ll also offer you a nip from her flask and a seductive wink.
23. Sheriff Harry S. Trueman
Trueman is too busy keeping Twin Peaks safe to stay at home and greet trick-or-treaters, but he’s got a king-sized Baby Ruth for any child with information on the murder of Laura Palmer.
22. Sarah Palmer
You’ll fare better if Sarah opens the door than you would with Leland. Catch her at the right time and you’ll hear the synth-horns Angelo Badalamenti swell as your eyes slowly pan over an enormous bowl of top-shelf fun-sizes. You wanna get out of there quick though, because if you linger too long the music will get all dark and ominous and she will shriek at you for like 5 minutes straight. Don’t take it personally, just know she’s seeing interdimensional horrors seeping into our reality that you, in your innocence, are blind to.
21. Log Lady
Margaret gives only judgments and cryptic warnings about taking dark forces too lightly. Her log, however, gives out fun-sized Milky Ways though, so it balances out.
20. Agent Denise Bryson
Good candy and generous portions, but her Elvira costume pushes the boundaries of decency. Even the mistress of the dark knew how much leg was enough.
19. The Giant
He’s got those extra extra small Snickers and Milky Ways, which look even small between his giant-ass fingers, and he only gives each kid one. Then he says some weird cryptic gibberish like “The horse is in the tall house, but not at midnight!” in his big gravely giant voice, the lights flicker, he vanishes and so does the candy. Big waste of time, you’ll have better luck with The Arm.
18. Laura Palmer
Laura’s Halloween candy bowl is a picture-perfect candy bowl, exactly the way you would picture a Halloween candy bowl. Little packs of M&M’s and Skittles, fun sizes of the major chocolate bars, a couple of Tootsie roles, and candy corn bags peppered in. This idyllic bowl is of course a smoke screen, hiding a life of spiraling debauchery, underage sex work, and cocaine addiction, but you don’t care about that, it’s Halloween! Yay candy!
17. Maddy Ferguson
Whatever Laura did.
16. Agent Albert Rosenfield
When Albert gets a group of trick-or-treaters at his door he insults their intelligence, lambasts them for the poor quality of their costumes, and goes on a long diatribe about how Halloween isn’t a “real” holiday. Then, out of nowhere, he passes out full-sized Butterfingers and tells them they can be anything they want to be in this life before slamming the door shut. Complicated guy!
15. Josie Packard
She’ll compliment your spooky costumes and give you fair portions of mostly fun-sized chocolates, but you can’t shake the feeling that she’s just going through the motions like her mind is elsewhere. Her every word and gesture is punctuated by sadness, regret, and… guilt? Who is this woman? What secrets does she hold? These are questions you’re too busy trying to score the most candy to wrestle with right now.
14. Major Garland Briggs
“As I look upon you children, adorned in your macabre pageantry, I am reminded of the origins of this holiday, the tradition of dressing in a manner to frighten, a tactic that aims to scare away roaming spirits less they intervene with we the living. Now, let’s talk about that word, tradition…” He’ll go on like that for several minutes but in the end, he’ll surprise you by actually having a point and handing each of you a full-sized bag of M&Ms and an individual Resse’s Peanut Butter Cup each.
13. The Man From Another Place
Whatever gum you like he’s got it, and he’ll assure you it’s coming back into style. Or, as he puts it, “elyts otni kcab emoc ot ngiog si ekil ouy mug tahT”
12. Hawk
“One candy can make you fly like an eagle. Another can give you the strength of a lion. But only one in the cycle of life can fill your heart with wonder and the wisdom that you have known a singular joy. And that candy is a full-sized Snickers bar, here ya go kids!”
11. Gordon Cole
Trick-or-treaters are greeted with a big smile, the loudest “Look at those costumes!” you’ve ever heard, and full-sized candy bars, but it’s all stuff they don’t make anymore, some of it since the ’50s. Big Time bars, Reggie bars, Banjos, all perfectly edible somehow. It’s possible he’s pooled a large portion of the FBI’s financial resources into reproducing discontinued candy.
10. Phillip “Mike” Gerard
Top-shelf candy and huge portions, almost too much. It’s almost like he’s trying to atone for some unspeakable past sin.
9. Bob
You would think the Black Lodge’s embodiment of chaotic evil would just hand out a bucket of razor blades and dead birds or something but curiously Bob gives full-size Snickers with a smile that actually doesn’t haunt your nightmares. Maybe Halloween is like his Christmas or something? It’s the one night a year he doesn’t possess people and force them to perform unspeakable acts.
8. Norma Jennings
Huge portions of top-tier candy at the low low cost of hearing her insinuate that she married the wrong person, but such is life.
7. Julee Cruise
She puts a single sugar cube on your tongue and sings ethereal notes at you as it melts. It’s an experience.
6. John Justice Wheeler
“A child without adequate candy on Halloween Night? Not while I’ve got my private helicopter!”
5. Big Ed
They don’t call him Big for nothing! They call him that because of his giant hog. On an unrelated note, every year Ed puts on his cowboy costume (almost identical to his day-to-day clothes) and delights the children of Twin Peaks with KING-SIZED Snickers, Milky Ways, and Twix!
4. Special Agent Dale Cooper
Coop gives every child who knocks on his door a damn fine cup of coffee and a slice of cherry pie with vanilla ice cream. It’s good stuff, but it really fucks up your stash when he just dumps it in the pillowcase.
3. Lucy Moran
While donuts are not, strictly speaking, a Halloween candy, the work Lucy does preparing a giant table stacked with piles of every child’s favorite one is beyond admirable.
2. Annie Blackburn
KING-SIZED REESE’S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS! The show is a total mess at this point, and they REALLY need you to like Annie.
1. Diane
Incredible. You just say what candy you want into a tape recorder along with some musings on the Kennedy assassination and the next day it’s there. We have no idea how she does it but God bless her. Definitely. Comonlee missspelled wordz.
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