Good news boys and ghouls, the wait is almost over! Soon it will be time to go trick-or-treating! You won’t be able to tear through a pillowcase of sugar without dying for the rest of your life so enjoy it while it lasts!
As every candy-conscious child knows, trick-or-treating is all about location. Pick the wrong neighborhood and you’ll be stuck trying to convince yourself you like Bit-O-Honeys ’til Easter. If your parents have decided to take you to the small town of Twin Peaks this year, good news, you have cool parents! They might just seem weird now but trust us, you’ll appreciate it once you and you’re your friends need a chill place to drink. Unfortunately, this town is full of secrets and horrors beyond your reckoning so, you know, there’s that to contend with.
Fear not! Follow our guide and you’ll be enjoying Snickers and Reese’s cups well into December! Stray from it, and you might wind up dead, wrapped up in plastic. The stakes are high, so let’s get into it! Here’s every character from David Lynch’s cerebral late-night ‘90s soap opera ranked by who gives out the best candy!
50. Johnny Horne
Still trick-or-treating actually.
49. Deputy Andy Brennan
Also still trick-or-treating. Should he have a gun?
48. Jacques Renault
He left his candy at a club across the Canadian border and he wants you to follow him there. DON’T.
47. James Hurley
Kids don’t knock on James’ door for Halloween because his door is the open road baby. And his bed is his bike. And cliche soap opera subplots that go absolutely nowhere and don’t tie back to the main story in any way? That’s his living room.
46. Benjamin Horne
Once upon a time, Ben Horne would sick attack dogs on any child that game within 20 yards of his front gate, but he has since reformed and dedicated himself to being “Good.” Unfortunately, he course-corrected too far in the opposite direction. He’s the weirdo who hands out toothbrushes and raisins now. Plus he tells all the kids that he’s their biological father.
45. Harold Smith
“Go away, I’m doing flower secrets!”
44. Audrey Horne
When she opens the door she’s crying and when you ask her what’s wrong she says “I don’t have any candy!” and then she does a sad little jazz dance until you give her some of yours.
43. Leo Johnson
If you ring Leo’s door on Halloween night he’ll hand you a large Ziploc bag filled with Snickers, Reese’s Cups, Peanut M&M’s, the works. Primo shit. So why doesn’t he rank hire? Because to qualify as Halloween candy, it has to be given. Every kid Leo floats candy to has one week to get him five grand, “or else.”
42. Hank Jennings
Oh hell no. You knock on Hank’s door and he’ll try spinning it that you owe HIM candy for all the time he did in the joint. Like, chill dude, I’m 11!
41. Andrew Packard
Wait, isn’t that the dude from “Halloween 3?” Stay away kids!
40. Nadine Hurley
Big Ed is a legendary candy-giver, but if you have the misfortune of knocking on his door when he’s in the can you’ll get his wife Nadine, who will absolutely lose her shit when you ask if she’s a pirate and throw a bunch of failed silent curtain rings at you.
39. Pete Martell
Pete’s a great guy, but he doesn’t totally get Halloween.
“You kids like fishing lures?”
“No.”
“A poem then”
38. Jerry Horne
When kids knock on his door instead of giving them candy he pulls out a brie and butter sandwich and goes on and on about how good they are and how many of them he ate a day in Europe before taking a comically large bite. Then when the kids ask “Can we try it?” he screams “What? No! Never!” and slams the door shut.
37. Dick Tremayne
“A shame, I had some wonderful tins of beluga caviar but the last group of kids cleaned me right out.” Sure you did Dick. Sure you did.
36. Leland Palmer
He’ll have a big reaction to your costumes, then tell you they remind him of when his Laura used to dress up for Halloween and start crying. Then he gets all happy again and insists you dance to the “Monster Mash” with him, and he’s playing the grief card so you have to do it. Leland is a lot, and the clock is ticking.
35. Windom Earle
Once an FBI agent who gave awesome candy with no strings attached, Windom has long since gone completely insane. There’s still candy to be had dear children, oh yes, but to find it you’ll need to follow a series of clues, each more dangerous and horrifying than the last. So what do you say kids, do you want to play Windom Earl’s twisted game? The answer is of course no. Filling up that pillowcase is about clock management!
34. Bobby Briggs
If you’re trick-or-treating and Bobby answers the door he’ll tell you to beat it, but he’ll say it a different way every time. “Get lost!” “Make tracks” “You better pound that pavement or I’ll pound your face!” He’s an inexhaustible source of needlessly hostile cornball threats, and it’s charming in a way.
33. Mike Nelson
No candy, but he’ll let you sneak a sip of his beer.
32. Jean Renault
“Before you came here, Twin Peaks was a simple place. My brothers deal dope to the teenagers and the truck drivers. One-Eyed Jack’s welcomed the businessmen and the tourists. Quiet people lived a quiet life. Then, a pretty girl dies, and you arrive, and everything change […] Kidnapping. Death. Suddenly, the quiet people, they’re quiet no more. Suddenly, the simple dream…become the nightmare. So maybe if you die, you will be the last to die. Maybe you brought the nightmare with you. And maybe the nightmare will die with you.” The whole speech, every time. Just say you forgot to get candy dude!
31. Dr. Lawrence Jacoby
Suspiciously hand-wrapped taffy and a suggestion to eat them one hour before watching “The Wizard of Oz” and listening to Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” at the same time. Has anyone checked if this guy is really a doctor?
30. Blackie O’Reilly
No candy, but she hands out vouchers good for one free cocktail at One Eyed Jack’s.
29. Doc Hayward
You’ll get a long-winded speech about the dangers of excessive sugar consumption followed by an over-the-top bit about how he delivered you into this world and he doesn’t want to have to bury you before he finally, FINALLY, gives you a Twizzler. Not worth your time.
28. Eileen Hayward
Homemade candy apples. It’s better than just apples, but that’s a whole lot of effort for something not even as good as a 3 Musketeers lady.
27. Mayor Dwayne Milford
He’s all butterscotch and Bit-O-Honeys, proof positive that he’s completely out of touch, and Twin Peaks is in desperate need of new leadership.
26. Catherine Martell
Each child at her door is handed a generous handful of top-shelf fun-sized chocolate bars, so why is she ranked so low? Because once the door is shut she reaches for the telephone. “Police? This is Catherine Martell. I would like to report some stolen candy. Yes, one was a ghost and the other was Thor. Please hurry, I’m terrified that they’ll be back for more.” Then she hangs up and takes a sip of wine before breaking into an evil and calculating grin. Cue ominous music.
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