25. John F. Kennedy
John loved to claim that clam chowder was an aphrodisiac. This is why his Mukbang stream is mostly sex workers snorting clam chowder off his semi-erect penis. Famous for having a bad back, JFK could only have sex sitting up and his Mukbang streams are the same way: leaning against a desk, somewhat hard and pantless, swaying gently to Henry Mancini records. “Swallowing a Massachusetts load” is what he likes to call eating clam chowder, sharing his poetic translation with a shitheel boyish smile. Plenty of trolls in the comments inviting him to Dallas.
24. Andrew Johnson
Elevated to President after a noted murder in a theater, Johnson’s penchant for heaping portions of peas quickly became public knowledge once he assumed office. He became known as “pea boy” (a homonym unrelated to his golden showers content), consuming unholy quantities of peas in a single sitting. Whether by shovel, barrel, fist or wagon, his love of peas means Johnson’s maw is fixed open to welcome home “his green children,” as he calls them. He talks to them. It gets weird.
23. Herbert Hoover
I don’t know how you feel about marshmallows, but Herbert Hoover is absolutely obsessed. His Mukbang content is all marshmallow-themed: s’mores for the summer, marshmallows dipped in hot cocoa for the winter. He often talks about “allowing a giant marshmallow to sit on my face.” It sounds like Hoover wants to be asphyxiated by a marshmallow. Unfortunately, his solution during the Great Depression involved scattering clumps of marshmallows around for unemployed homeless families stuck in Hoovervilles.
22. Millard Fillmore
We’ve got a soup and stewaholic over here. Wanna clean the cupboard? Have miscellaneous leftovers? Find roadkill crushed by a passing carriage? Doesn’t matter, Millard Fillmore is getting a Crock-Pot out for any situation. Fillmore’s famous thick frothy soups will cure almost any disease, while simultaneously re-causing it. This is why most of his starched white shirts have orange stains around the neck: like America “spreading” ideals of democracy, the soup gets everywhere.
21. Warren Harding
Harding goes ga-ga for bratwurst. In fact, any kind of sausage is preferable for the scandalous President. The Teapot Dome scandal was actually facilitated by the payoff in bulk sausage to Harding for his Mukbang content stream. Forever linked to conspiracy theories involving poisoned sausage, his revenge-minded wife and The House of Shields bar in San Francisco, Harding has tried to move past the negative associations. For example, he now offers erotic sausage play (surprisingly, making him the fourth most popular creator on OnlyFans).
20. Thomas Jefferson
Jefferson has a French-styled Mukbang stream, rococo trimming around the edges of the frame. Surrounded by charcuterie boards, Jefferson nibbles on the finest cheeses from all regions of France, before diving into the gallons of wine. While the founding fathers were apparently fans of Madeira, Tommy is a Bordeaux boy, known for ordering by the casket. He will slug that vino down the gullet like a broken faucet. Sometimes he’ll forget his stream is on and make drunken references to his large secret extended family all around Monticello, only to ignore the livestream comments whenever this comes up.
19. James Polk
When not devouring thick fried Southern cooking, James is sliding tomato omelets down his throat. In fact, he’s made “breakfast aesthetics” his entire brand, almost like this was 2010 or something. Features a big banner reading “You look eggcellent” and yellow yolk running down his face like a breakfast bukake. You’ll never want to eat before noon again.
18. William J. Clinton
In a stream sponsored by McDonald’s, watch Bill perform a trick he calls “the vacuum.” This is where he simply opens his mouth, stands over a row of McDonald’s cheeseburgers, and inhales the food like a mighty human hoover. Bill loves to munch on fries while regaling the audience with stories of Jeffrey Epstein’s parties or from his “good ol’ boy” Arkansas days. The redness of his face often indicates how tired Billy is growing, although the streams sometimes go on for days at a time.
17. Zachary Taylor
Taylor has a weakness for Creole food, specifically New Orleans rice fritters or rice calas. Almost like an 18th-century Martha Stewart, Zach will take you through the delicate prep, each ingredient specially chosen. And then, he will begin popping the rice fritters into his mouth before pulling a “Cookie Monster” on the remainder of the tray: throwing food everywhere while barely getting any into his trap.
16. George H. W. Bush
In an ironic twist, H.W. has secretly loved diving into pools of broccoli like Scrooge McDuck into money piles! The freak doesn’t even want them steamed, he jumps straight into raw broccoli. Rising from the depths with scabs and bruises, George H. W. Bush devours broccoli in deft shark-like motions, clearing out entire corners of the swimming pool until only scraps of broccolini are left at the bottom. With his stomach heaving, George asks Barbara for more, which she lowers into the pool like Buffalo Bill in ‘Silence of the Lambs’.
15. John Adams
Cider is just apple cum. There, I said it. And guess who loved guzzling down cider? John Adams. This cider-loving Massachusetts fuck. Guzzling that autumnal goodness, getting that bald skull and gray hair sopping wet in a bucket of cider. His mukbang videos are actually filmed from inside his cider distillery, gulping in mini-cider donuts until Abigail has to force-feed him.
14. Martin Van Buren
Per his name, Martin’s Mukbang channel has a Dutch twist. Watch him pop those poffertjes. Tune in as he bites into bitterballen. He’ll nibble at kibbeling and pack in the pannenkoeken. He even plays traditional Dutch music, clomping around in clogs, crumbs of stroopwafels all over his suit. A decadent man, Martin will often eat himself into a stupor, which results in a purge of vomiting. Not to worry, there’s a whole other fetish corner of the web for that puke content.
13. Jimmy Carter
This one should be a no-brainer. The centenarian cracks open peanuts and nibbles the shell away like a squirrel. “It’s all about the meat of the nut,” Carter repeats. The phrase occurs so much, you never want to hear the words “meat” and “nut” closely mentioned together ever again. The good part is that his entire production set-up is solar powered, with a backup battery powered by Jimmy’s foot lazily pedaling a manual battery charge. Like the Energizer bunny, Jimmy keeps chugging along, equally as fond of peanuts.
12. Franklin D. Roosevelt
FDR’s love for hot dogs and grilled cheese sandwiches frequently makes it into his Mukbang stream. Fashioned as a Fireside Chat, FDR directly addresses the viewer, rambling on about any subject under the sun while gently grilling dogs, or letting sourdough melt atop butter. His stream is actually quite soothing, and it’s said that FDR’s mistresses are kind enough to operate the recording equipment.
11. James Monroe
What is spoonbread? Well, James Monroe stans it. His entire online persona is based around spoonbread advocacy: raising awareness, selling starter kits, and shoving unholy amounts of the mash into his mouth for a Mukbang stream. This Southern dish is like cornbread but with a soufflé texture. James Monroe can house multiple bowls of spoon bread in one sitting, telling problematic stories of his Southern youth to scores of adoring Americans. “Better than makin’ love in the mornin’!” he’ll regularly shout. The content becomes uncomfortable when James simply lets his face sit in the cornbread, slowly chewing, gripping the bowl while clearly displaying an erection for the few viewers left.
10. John Quincy Adams
John Quincy was a fruit boy. As in, he wants chilled blueberries, bananas, apples, honeydew, all lovingly served on a platter. Plums, apricots, all of it. If it’s sweet and grows from a tree, he wants that sticky nectar juice running down his gullet. He will regularly stuff his face into a cornucopia and arise like a tye-dye shirt, sideburns dripping with seeds. His Kiwi Feed is particularly popular, crates of kiwis delivered for mass consumption. The secret here is that John Quincy has secretly grown tired of eating so much and can barely digest it anymore, but he keeps it up because the income stream is too lucrative.
9. James Madison
Two things are true about founding father James Madison: he likes his ice cream and he likes his diaper play. “I’m a big messy baby!” James cries out, rubbing vanilla ice cream into his chest hair, cream into the crevices. There’s an ambiance to his videos too, often done bathing with a large bucket outside by moonlight, or beside a candle in bed, propped by pillows stuffed with horsehair. Strictly vanilla ice cream only, even despite OnlyFans requests to mix it up. This may be a flavor issue, but his preference for ‘white only’ ice cream may have to do with being born in Virginia in 1751.
8. Theodore Roosevelt
The ebullient “Mr. National Parks” only fought for establishing so much free land as to allow chickens to roam free. Not because he’s particularly fond of chickens, but because fried chicken is his favorite food. Rumored to finish an entire rotisserie chicken in one sitting, Teddy Roosevelt is undiscerning as to where his fried chicken is from. It could be from KFC, Popeye’s, or a cross-town grease-trap joint unknown to any health board.
7. Joseph R. Biden
Sloppy Joe is on-brand with his own Sloppy Joe Mukbang stream. With beef and onions running down his neck, that odd sparkle in the 46th President’s eye somehow grows sharper when he is devouring an open-face sloppy joe sandwich, only occasionally lifting his head to show that stiff, grease-smeared smile. Sometimes the Biden’s dog Major will wander onto the stream and join Joe, both fully eating from the same sandwich until each begins growling at the other. Joe often forgets to turn off the livestream, which is rarely controversial: he mostly naps or practices golf insults for the next time he sees Trump.
6. John Tyler
John’s a pie boy. Sugar pie, specifically. He devours the crust and filling as if he were performing cunnilingus on an invisible giant. His family has to lay a tarp down, for him to just dive in. There is plastic lining the walls. Tyler’s stream has actually caught on in broader circles, being shown on Late Night talk shows and regularly going viral online. This may speak to the popularity of pie itself. It may also be John Tyler’s branded sugar pie, embedded with bite marks matching the dental records of the 10th U.S. President.
5. George Washington
When George gets them dentures out, he becomes a messy pudding boy. Tapioca, flan, good old fashioned chocolate: there is no discernment to his boundless pudding peccadillos. His dentures aren’t in fact wooden but made from a mixture of ivory, animal teeth, and human teeth. George’s gummy pudding consumption brings a particular flavor of viewership, one that Martha doesn’t necessarily approve of. Martha’s just happy that he’s stopped cracking nuts with his teeth in public, which led to false teeth in the first place. She does, however, join in on spoon-feeding him in special videos for Patreon subscribers.
4. Rutherford B. Hayes
Famous for his moderation, Hayes nibbles at cornmeal battercakes over hours. His content is almost similar to ASMR comfort videos or Norwegian slow television. Of all the Presidential Mukbang streams, his is the easiest to gently leave on in the background. It’s like a televised fireplace: uncannily familiar, oddly warm, and easy to ignore.
3. Grover Cleveland
If pickled herring was cocaine, Grover Cleveland would be boofing that shit. With a flick of his wrist, Cleveland pops open the jars and devours the contents like pickled herring is going out of style. He drinks down the brine, letting it drench his mustache until he looks like a feral walrus. Just be thankful you can’t smell his Mukbang stream.
2. Barack Obama
Steamed vegetables served by his wife. Yes, it’s healthy. Yes, school lunches were revolutionized. But Barack even hates his own Mukbang content, secretly smoking cigarettes while eating nachos for his OnlyFans. What revolutionized this Mukbang stream is that Barack was actually the first president to use drones to film his content.
1. Abraham Lincoln
Honest Abe just can’t lie about being a little gingerbread freak. He’s requested Mary Todd cover him in gingerbread batter to make him into “the best little gingerbread boy of the whole Union.” When not recording from atop a hickory tree, his Mukbang streams are filmed from inside a log cabin, standing at full height in a cramped space like the Tall Man from ‘Twin Peaks,’ the POV severely facing upwards to establish dominance. You think ending the Civil War is difficult? Try prying matted gingerbread from your beard. In fact, John Wilkes Booth famously identified Abe by the ginger stench emanating from the upper halls of Ford’s Theatre.
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