15. Tommy Hawk (Chicago Blackhawks)
Tommy may have the advantage of flight, but he’s all in all a good dude, he was even a regular at the Fireside Bowl when it still put on punk shows. So while he may get a bit rowdy in the pit and engage in some crowd killing, even circling a Rise Against pit from high above, the only people he’s willing to punch are fascists, which is cool by us.
14. Sabertooth (Buffalo Sabers)
While he may seem to be friendly in appearance, this dude is the mascot for a team with a weapon in the logo, and is known to use a t-shirt gut (“The Simpsons” taught us how dangerous those are). Bringing in the firepower and some fearsome front teeth to a post game tailgate would allow him to level the playing field pretty quickly, but his use of said t-shirt gun is unfair to the presumably unarmed party goers, putting Sabertooth in the penalty box.
13. Hunter (Edmonton Oilers)
Named for Oilers founder W.D. “Wild Bill” Hunter, this Lynx may or may not have worked on the Alberta Oil Fields, and we know just how physically demanding of a job that must be. So he’s got the cat-like reflexes mixed with the Oil Field strength and love of booze, and he’s bound to get into a spat with expats on the field and off, bringing an incorrigibly violent energy to any Hockey rink, whether a stadium or an ODR.
12. N.J. Devil (New Jersey Devils)
Devil’s are sure to love evil deeds but this dude isn’t even a devil in the traditional sense, being some mythical creature from the Jersey woods, so we don’t even know how well this guy would handle a tussle. But he is from rough and tumble New Jersey, and probably has several drunk and disorderly tickets, so he would be a noble pick in your Fantasy Hockey fighting team.
11. Sparky the Dragon (New York Islanders)
Sparky’s fiery breath serves as a great party trick, combined with his scaly, armor like skin and proficiency in flight make him a formidable opponent, even to the most experienced hockey brawlers in the form of the Hanson brothers. Thankfully Sparky is a friendly drunk though, preferring to give fist bumps over fisticuffs, but mention that the Islander’s aren’t even from Manhattan, and you will ignite this Firebreather.
10. Wild Wing (Anaheim Mighty Ducks)
A duck so fearsome that even Canada Geese run at first sight, Wild Wing sure is a wild one that’s for sure, and the only supposedly super powered mascot on this list. Since he’s from another planet, Wild Wing has no alcohol tolerance to speak of and he’s prone to fits of anger, but without his Mighty Duck Minions, he’s at a bit of a loss, unless it’s a one on one fight.
9. Gnash (Nashville Predators)
Even sober, Gnash has a thing for raising hell, pranking opposing teams and taking a pie in the face all in good fun, that would change to carnage with enough bourbon coursing through his veins. That would make him a menace to everyone around him, and his light hearted pranks would become increasingly sinister as well, eventually angering the wrong person and causing chaos as he fights dirty after drinking enough Jack Daniels to make Lemmy blush.
8. Bailey (Los Angeles Kings)
Anyone this excited to get into Twitter spats with professional wrestlers is sure to get into all other types of beef, potentially awakening a bloodlust in this fierce feline. And if there’s one thing Los Angeles is known for outside of Hollywood, its riots for a wide variety of reasons, and when the Los Angeles Kings were in the 2014 Stanley Cup Finals, Bailey was at home drinking warm “Baileys” (we assume it’s the alcoholic drink of choice for felines) waiting to go on the prowl, whether the Kings won or lost.
7. Gritty (Philadelphia Flyers)
Coming in hot off the mean streets of Philly, Gritty is every bit as gritty as his namesake would indicate, and he’s more than likely on a first name basis with the gang from “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia,” so you bet he likes to have a drink or ten to unwind after a long day of dock work. Gritty may have all the makings of a drunken boxer, but he lacks a certain level of intimidation compared to the next rankings, so he ranks no higher than number 7.
6. Howler (Arizona Coyotes)
Being a naturally fierce, adaptable animal any coyote with enough lager in it would be a threat, but this is not just any normal Coyote, he’s also a drummer, and drummers are known for their well…eccentric behavior and sometimes unhinged antics. Mix that with the wild animal instincts and booze, and we have a champ, be wary when he engages you with vile rhetoric from across the bar.
5. Blades (Boston Bruins)
Just look at this guy. He’s a mean, unclean fighting machine and being from Boston means that he has plenty of experience not just drinking, but also holding his liquor. So while all of his compatriots would be losing balance, the only thing this guy is losing is his jersey, just so he could have some increased mobility while he’s busting heads down at Cheers, and a face off between him and Norm would be a battle of legendary drunken proportions.
4. Stinger (Columbus Blue Jackets)
Wasps are just motherfuckers, and everyone knows that, and with one who’s 6 feet 9 inches tall, full of plenty of mead (gotta get drunk on that honey extract) will be extra motherfuckerly. But the silver lining is that if he stings you, he will die very quickly afterwards, while you will just need attentive surgery to fix your wounds. Wasp 0, Hard Times, 1 in overtime.
3. Slapshot (Washington Capitals)
This fierce looking fellow is the exact type of dude who would happily “be deployed to a warzone and solve all the problems there” so you bet he’s got some problematic opinions. And these beliefs tend to come out after a couple of over priced Coors Lights, and oh you better believe he’s armed and dangerous, so expect less of a drunken brawl and more of a drunken shootout, which he would win, by default, but unarmed, you could easily get the upper hand on him, as long as he doesn’t use his power of flight to get the high ground in a Denny’s parking lot.
2. Stanley C. Panther (Florida Panthers)
The mix of wild animal, meth and Florida madness would lead to a brawl on such a scale, that it would overwhelm the ICU on a scale not seen since COVID, but with much more blood, guts, and even Stanley would end up in the ICU, not because of injury, but to finish the job he started and to raise even more hell, out of sheer spite.
1. Spartacat (Ottawa Senators)
While the Ottawa Senators aren’t known for winning any games, this Lion, who presumably got wine drunk with Roman Senators before eating some Christians in a previous century would be fighting and eating people if being the mascot of one of the worst teams in the NHL wasn’t such a high paying (if further infuriating) job. So this Cat knows how to drink and fight, and you just know he’s got that passive aggressive, repressed, and stuck up Ottawa snark (there’s a reason it’s called the city that fun forgot) at the ready to bait his next meal. And when placing a drunken, angry lion in a Canadian Legion, oh you bet there will be blood.
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