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Every NHL Mascot Ranked By How Likely They’d Be to Win A Drunken Bar Fight

Hockey, drinking and fighting are as synonymous as weed and the munchies. But don’t take our word for it, just go ask any Canadian why they watch Hockey, and if they say that it’s for the love of the sport or to support their local team, that’s a lie, because a Canadian Team hasn’t won the Stanley Cup in forever. And if this isn’t convincing enough, just look at all the mascots, and they were clearly designed to win drunken fights. Oversized, vaguely threatening and usually an animal that you just know has a taste for booze and human flesh, which is why in the name of public safety, we’re gonna rank them based on how likely they would be to win a drunken fight.

30. Nordy (Minnesota Wild)

Despite the name of the Hockey team, Nordy is as tame, domesticated and teetotalling as they come, and he goes home to a nice warm glass of milk and gets a good night’s sleep after every game, and hates the thought of violence. So he’s nowhere to be found during the carnage of a hockey riot.

29. Thunderbug (Tampa Bay Lightning)

Not only is Thunderbug an insect, who is naturally weaker due to his cartilage based skeletal structure, but he has also been historically known to have been taken down by a bunch of silly string, so there’s no doubt that he would easily be taken down during a drunken brawl with a bunch of muscular, intoxicated hockey fans.

28. Fin (Vancouver Canucks)

The only way this dude would be able to gain the upper hand over you would be if you were near any body of water, say on a boat or raft at sea. But once he’s out of the water, there’s no way you wouldn’t be able to keep distance from him, unless of course he had some type of aquatic mech suit designed to help with land fighting, but that’s just a bunch of science fiction baloney (for now).

27. Bernie (Colorado Avalanche)

How could a Bernese Mountain dog be anything but friendly, even when drunk, and if there were any disagreements, drunken or otherwise, would quickly fade to a bunch of overly eager hockey fans petting this good boy. Yes you are Bernie, yes you are.

26. Iceburgh (Pittsburgh Penguins)

Penguins are typically on the short side, and since they haven’t yet been introduced to the wonders of booze, they would most certainly fall down drunk even off half a beer, and Iceburgh is no exception. So any drunken fight would be over as quickly as it began.

25. Victor E. Green (Dallas Stars)

This guy is from a galaxy far, far away and since he grew up on a different planet, he would be struggling just to stand up in earth’s high gravity, or he could use it to his advantage, we just don’t know. But one thing’s for certain, and that’s the fact that this dude has multiple tactical disadvantages due to his physical form (just look at those hockey stick ears) which would lose him the fight in the first ten minutes of period one.

24. Viktor E. Ratt (Florida Panthers)

Just look at the size of this dude, and compare him to your average human. The only way that this guy would possibly win a drunken fight is if he had rabies and bit you, which rats do have a large chance of carrying, and if you happen to get bitten you should get your rabies shots asap, or suffer a fate worse than death.

23. SJ Sharkie (San Jose Sharks)

Same reasoning as Fin, but since he’s a shark, he could easily become more vicious than a killer whale, and would have the capability to actively hunt the team after they all took a team drunk piss in whatever lake they were vacationing at, which would lead to an eventual bloodbath.

22. Harvey the Hound (Calgary Flames)

Why the hell a hockey team would even consider a less fitting mascot is reason enough to throw hands, let alone deal with this strange looking mascot. He looks way too happy for how angry a sport hockey is, and even a former coach ripped out his tongue, but he does have some pretty sharp looking teeth, so he could easily bite your head off, so this fight could go either way.

21. Youppi (Montreal Canadiens)

Youppi is possibly the friendliest guy on this list, and he’s great to get shitfaced with, just don’t bring up anything related to Quebec, and oh boy are you opening a huge can of worms with this dude, just as he is opening a big can of whoopass on you. But keep things apolitical and you will have a legendary night on the town in Montreal (every night on the town in Montreal is legendary, but this dude just brings things to the next level)

20. Al the Octopus (Detroit Red Wings)

Why the Red Wings chose an octopus and not any type of bird on fire is frankly a noggin scratcher, but that’s not the point. This guy would have ranked lower on the list, since he is aquatic, but Octopi are known to have toddler level intelligence and ferocity. Also, since this dude is from Detroit, you just know he’s packing heat, and has 8 limbs that can carry out just as much of a thrashing when he’s shooting off rounds in a temper tantrum.

19. Charlton the Bear (Toronto Maple Leafs)

At surface glance, Charlton has all the makings of a trained fighter, being a gigantic polar bear who one would assume had “Goon Training” from Matt Sundin himself. But we’re forgetting that the Leafs haven’t won a game, let alone any booze related brawls since 1992. With that track record going against him, Charlton would know better than to fight, I mean just look at how cuddly he looks.

18. Chance the Gila Monster (Vegas Golden Knights)

Whatever a Gila Monster is, it just doesn’t sound all that threatening, plus we all know Vegas is all show and no action, unless of course you are an unsuspecting tourist, in which case you may get baited into a fight with a “Gila Monster”.

17. Mick E. Moose (Winnipeg Jets)

Known for their herbivore diet and generally benign demeanor, there is very little to lead us to believe this moose would be any threat unless you step between a mother moose and her babies, but Mick is a dude and he would probably just curl up and sleep off a night of drinking. This moose is from Winnipeg though, one of the crime capitals of Canada, so we can’t assume that this dude is all peace and love, and the next time the Jets lose, there’s no doubt Mick would but heads with a random stranger or careless motorist on the 401.

16. Stormy (Carolina Hurricanes)

Hogs aren’t known for aggression, and with their fatty composition, you’d assume that their lack of stamina would lend to them being easily bested in one on one combat. But if Stormy joins forces with the feral hogs ripping through the midwest, and feeds them their body weight in liquor, we may have the second American Civil War slightly ahead of schedule.

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