25. Saga of the Swamp Thing #35 (April 1985): “The Nukeface Papers Part 1”
A nomadic drunk transformed by his former employer’s toxic waste poisons Swamp Thing with a single corrosive touch.
An assault on American industrialism from a bunch of pot-smoking tree huggers plain and simple. Get out of our libraries’ groomers!
24. Saga of the Swamp Thing #34 (March 1985): “Rite of Spring”
Abby and The Swamp Thing profess their feelings for each other. Abby eats a sweet potato growing off of Swamp Thing and trips balls. They have crazy spirit sex.
Most conservative men can’t walk through the produce aisle without feeling sexually inadequate, so the idea that a cucumber could come to life, spiritually connect with their wives, and give them the fuck of their lives is pretty terrifying.
23. Saga of the Swamp Thing #36 (May 1985): “The Nukeface Papers Part 2”
Nukeface drunkenly poisons more innocent people, including a pregnant woman. Meanwhile, Abby finds Swamp Thing near death. Swampy tells her he’s going to try sending his mind to The Green and grow a new body from plants, but he’s not sure it will work. The book ends with real-life newspaper clippings that inspired the Nukeface story.
Conservatives are tired of birth defects and diseases being blamed on toxic waste and corporate negligence. If a child is born with their face where their armpit should be that’s just part of God’s plan, and if all of the armpit-face kids happen to be born to homes that used Roundup on their lawns then shut up commie!
22. Saga of the Swamp Thing #32 (January 1985): “Pog”
In this cute one-off, adorable aliens land in the swamp. They dig Swamp Thing, but find all the alligators and humans to be too dangerous, so they go home.
It’s your classic “Man is the real monster” sci-fi trope, and therefore an affront to God who made us in his own image and gave us dominion over all the beasts of the land.
21. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #39 (August 1985): “Fish Story”
Swamp Thing must stop the water vampires before their eggs hatch. In an unprecedented display of power, Swampy becomes a large patch of the earth itself, separating and joining the vampire’s lake with a running river, killing them.
Those eggs may have been the offspring of fish vampires but they were still fertilized eggs, and what Swamp Thing did was technically an abortion.
20. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #46 (March 1986): “Revelations”
During the Crisis On Infinite Earths event Swamp Thing is told he must commune with The Parliament of Trees. Meanwhile, a nun is murdered by a demon.
Communing with nature and attacking religious figures are both big no-nos to conservatives. They’ll say stuff like “Why are we teaching this filth to children?!” and you’ll be all like “We aren’t, this is an adult comic book” and then they’ll call you a pedophile.
19. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #56 (January 1987): “My Blue Heaven”
Swamp Thing is stranded on an alien world with no idea how to return to Earth. In his isolation, he grows and puppeteers an entire fake town, complete with a fake Abby. He begins to lose his mind and realizes he cannot continue this way. He flings his consciousness out into the void, determined to find a way home or die trying.
The idea that isolation can have a negative effect on mental health is an assault on the red-blooded masculinity this country was founded on. Everyone knows having more than two friends makes you gay.
18. Saga of the Swamp Thing #31 (December 1984): “The Brimstone Ballet”
After psychologically toying with the Swamp Thing, Arcane moves in for the kill only to find Swampy far more powerful now that he’s embraced his true nature. After Arcane is weakened in battle Matt is able to wrestle back control. He forces Arcane’s soul back to hell and attempts to bring Abby’s soul back, but dies before he can finish.
Here we see Swamp Thing beginning to utilize his true power, drawing strength from the earth itself. In other words, witchcraft. Ban it and burn it, boys!
17. Swamp Thing #54 “The Flowers of Romance” (November 1986)
Abby and Swamp Thing’s old friend Liz comes to visit hearing of Swamp Thing’s death, but she’s followed by her psycho gaslighting boyfriend. He chases Abby through the swamp with a gun, but she uses her cunning to lure him into an alligator pit.
Another attack on the sanctity of marriage. Shame on you liberals.
16. Saga of the Swamp Thing #24 (May 1984): “Roots”
Woodrue begins to hyper-oxygenate the planet, and even The Justice League is at a loss on how to stop him. Swamp Thing confronts Woodrue, and after a brief battle forces Woodrue to see that his plan is mutually assured destruction for both animal and plant life on Earth. Realizing the error of his ways, Woodrue loses his connection to The Green.
Here Swamp Thing wins a battle simply by appealing to his enemies’ compassion and reason. It’s a tactic that has no place in today’s socio-political landscape, into the trash can it goes.
15. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #61 (June 1987): “All Flesh is Grass”
Swamp Thing reaches the plant people’s planet not realizing his body will now be made of a bunch of plant people. Hijinks ensue.
Individual plant people are forced to become part of Swamp Thing’s body against their will. It’s unadulterated globalist propaganda and the right will not stand for it.
14. Saga of the Swamp Thing #29 (October 1984): “Love and Death”
Abby makes up with Matt and the two of them make love. Then, Abby slowly discovers that Matt is actually dead, and his body is being controlled by the spirit of her evil uncle, Arcane.
To conservatives, this portrayal of necromancy is pure filth that has no place in our libraries. The uncle fucking part they are surprisingly Switzerland about.
13. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #58 (March 1987): “Exiles”
On Rann, Swamp Thing offers to restore the planet’s dying vegetation. This pisses off the Hawk people, who were going to trade aid for zeta beam tech. They attack him, but Adam Strange saves him. Swamp Thing hurls his consciousness toward a planet of plant people on Adam’s suggestion.
Feeding an entire planet’s population for free can have devastating consequences for the economy. As far as conservatives are concerned the Hawk people were completely in the right here and the communist interloper Swamp Thing should have been punished for his crimes.
12. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #53 (October 1986): “The Garden of Earthly Delights”
Swamp Thing whoops Batman’s ass. The people of Gotham frolic in his newly created Eden, getting naked and eating hallucinogenic tubers. Seeing no alternative, the city agrees to release Abby. Just before Abby and Swampy can embrace, Swamp Thing is hit with an anti-Swamp Thing weapon designed by Lex Luthor and seemingly dies.
An absolute nightmare. Hippies taking over America’s most oppressively gothic city, frolicking around naked, making love and presumably eating babies. Also, the idea that anyone could defeat Batman is deeply upsetting to conservatives. No one with that amount of money should ever suffer defeat. Swamp Thing is seemingly defeated by Lex Luthor, also a billionaire, but canonically not as rich as Batman, so the whole thing is super confusing.
11. Saga of the Swamp Thing #21 (February 1984): “The Anatomy Lesson”
Swamp Thing comes back to life, and in doing so realizes he was never a human being to begin with. Enraged by the discovery, he kills Sunderland.
While Swampy’s resurrection is evocative of Jesus Christ, both the murder of a capitalist and the title “Anatomy Lesson” are big turn-offs to conservatives.
10. Saga of the Swamp Thing #30 (November 1984): “A Halo of Flies”
Arcane, now in Matt Cable’s body, lures Swamp Thing to a confrontation at the Cable’s home where he finds Abby dead, her soul dragged to hell by Arcane.
Sorry liberals, but there’s only one man fit to judge who goes to heaven and who goes to hell. His name is Donald Trump.
9. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #49 (June 1986): “The Summoning”
Swamp Thing goes to hell seeking allies against the coming great evil. Constantine summons the earth’s most powerful magic users to watch the action in a seance.
Seeking allies in hell?!?! We see now it’s no coincidence that if you re-arrange the letters of “Swamp Thing,” replace a few, and add one you get “Barack Obama.” Throw it on the pyre!
8. Saga of the Swamp Thing #23 (April 1984): “Another Green World”
After painfully coming to terms with the fact that he never actually was Alec Holland, Swamp Thing finds peace within The Green until he becomes aware of Woodrue’s manipulation. Sensing that Abby is in danger, Swamp Thing returns to his body to save her.
Willingly leaving a plane of tranquility to help the people still on earth feels a little buddhisty, and as far as conservatives are concerned Buddhism is just relaxed-fit satanism. Just to be safe, they’re going to round up and burn every copy.
7. Saga of the Swamp Thing #22 (March 1984): “Swamped”
Abby and Matt Cable find Swamp Thing in a catatonic state rooted to the ground in despair. Meanwhile, Jason Woodrue plans on using Swamp Thing to connect with The Green.
Facing an existential crisis Swamp Thing literally roots himself to the ground instead of pulling himself up by the bootstraps and starting a crypto farm. It’s pure leftist propaganda.
6. Saga of the Swamp Thing #27 (August 1984): “…By Demons Driven!”
Swamp Thing, Abby, and an autistic boy named Paul defeat The Monkey King, who is then eaten by Etrigan The Demon. Meanwhile, Matt, dying in his wrecked car, makes a deal with a demonic insect to save his own life.
Allegiance with demons? A pact with Satan? A neurodivergent person portrayed as a hero?! Not in MY small town library!
5. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #43 (December 1985): “Windfall”
The reflective nature of psychedelics is explored when both a benevolent dying woman and a sleazy criminal eat one of Swamp Things’ hallucinogenic tubers.
Banned. Conservatives firmly believe psychedelics should only be microdosed by billion-dollar executives and thought leaders to help them own the libs. Also, they’re none too fond of that Chester character, with his long hair and wild ideas.
4. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #50 (July 1986): “The End”
Recalling the wisdom of The Parliament of Trees “Where is there evil in all the wood?”, Swamp Thing teaches the great evil force that good and evil are all part of the same cosmic cycle. Inspired by his words, the evil takes the form of a giant dark hand, reaching up to a giant hand of light (presumably God) and when the hands grasp each other balance is restored to the universe.
Sure, first we all accept a cosmology where harmony lies in the balance of dark and light forces, next thing you know our kids are forced into trans beauty pageants at gunpoint. It’s a slippery slope!
3. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #62 (July 1987): “Wavelength”
Swamp Thing becomes Metron’s Mobius chair.
Conservatives don’t like the way Metron is always flip-flopping on issues. They prefer Darkseid loyalists like Granny Goodness and Marjorie Taylor Greene.
2. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #42 (November 1985): “Strange Fruit”
Swamp Thing burns down a plantation haunted by racist ghosts.
They hate this one. They fucking HATE this one.
1. Swamp Thing Vol. 2 #64 (September 1987): “Return of the Good Gumbo”
Swamp Thing and Abby have some long overdue chem sex, and Swampy grows a house for them to live in. He considers using his powers to end world hunger.
Recreational drug use? Pre-marital sex? FREE food for EVERYONE?!?!?! This is the future liberals want and it has no place in a red state library.
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