25. Breaker
Breaker is a master code breaker who will be far too distracted trying to decipher what “I am literally dead-ass frfr” means to properly teach an entire semester of sex-ed.
24. Mainframe
As a hacker, his go-to catchphrase “I’m in” is just begging for trouble in a sexual education class.
23. Lift Ticket
He’s the Joe’s top extractions expert, and it’s the catchphrase he cemented in the line of service that dooms him as an effective sex educator—”Pull out!”
22. Alpine
He’s just not suited to teach sex education in today’s cultural climate. Alpine believes that true love only exists between a man and a tree.
21. Shipwreck
As a sailor, Shipwreck understands the importance of using contraceptives. Unfortunately, as a sailor, Shipwreck has spent his life hanging out at every port in the world. It’s only a matter of time before he gets sidetracked and launches into one of his many, many sex stories, like, the filthiest shit you can imagine. “You kids know why they call it a rusty trombone?” That kind of thing.
20. Flint
Flint won’t last long in the current education system. He’s a Rhodes Scholar with a degree in literature. If he’s teaching sex-ed he’s gonna wanna do it by making the kids read one of many, many banned books.
19. Lady Jaye
While her partner Flint would enrage parents for trying to make kids read “Tropic of Cancer,” Lady Jaye’s background is in acting. Her approach of teaching sex education by having the kids stage a production of “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” will go over much worse.
18. Short-fuze
He’s the Joe’s resident math and demolitions expert known for his crazy temper. His entire class consisted of reading Ted Kaczynski’s manifesto out loud.
17. Gung-Ho
He’s too enthusiastic, urging kids to “get out there and practice safe sex right away!” It’s harmless, he’s just a really encouraging guy, but you can’t blame those parents for complaining.
16. Hawk
As the public face of G.I. Joe, Hawk can’t risk being seen teaching a subject as divisive as sexual education in public schools. Once again he’ll talk Duke into doing his dirty work. “Listen, Duke, these kids need someone who can say ‘vagina’ with a straight face and you’re the bravest man I know.”
15. Barbecue
Ever since his alcoholism got him knocked down to the G.I Joe reserves, Barbecue has really needed a 2nd gig. That being said, the drunk soldier from a family of Boston firefighters might not be the best sex-ed teacher. He would either be against it on religious grounds or way too into it. Better let the other gym teacher teach the kids about the birds and the bees this semester because Barbecue is for sure one of the gym teachers.
14. Zap
“Hello, my name is Mr. Zap. I am a member of G.I. Joe, the soldiers known for using weapons that zap bad guys. My specialty is the bazooka, one of the few weapons that does not zap people. Please do not confuse me with the other Bazooka guy, whose name is Bazooka. I’m here to teach you about sex.” Yeah, it’s just too confusing.
13. Leatherneck
He would start the course by informing the students that he isn’t there to make friends, and it would just get worse from there. Leatherneck’s “Scared straight” approach to safe sex has been proven to be ineffective.
12. Toolbooth
As the Joe’s top engineer capable of making bridges out of just about anything, we’re pretty sure he can figure out how to put a condom on a banana. He wouldn’t stop there though. He would probably get into a flow and teach kids how to make improvised contraceptives out of plastic wrap and rubber bands, stuff kind of beyond their level.
11. Dial Tone
He’s the Joe’s landline specialist, so you know he’s out of touch. He would be all “Here’s how to behave appropriately at the sock-hop” this and “It’s not a good idea to have kids until you’re 16 and engaged to a Vanderbilt” that.
10. Falcon
Falcon is Duke’s half-brother. As a nepo-baby, he would never have to resort to work as undignified as teaching to make a living.
9. Iceberg
He’s got a very gimmicky approach to the subject matter that’s very hit or miss. Just a bunch of pithy ice-based one liners like “If you don’t have a condom, you better cool off!” He’s also a strong advocate of cold showers to suppress urges, ignoring scientific data that they actually increase testosterone.
8. Footloose
He only teaches dancing, the thing that leads to sex.
7. Doc
Doc is a Harvard-educated doctor, and as such more than qualified to teach sex education. He’s seen some shit though. Sex-ed can be uncomfortable enough on its own, the kids don’t need Doc’s story about helping Beach Head keep his liver inside his body waiting for the medic chopper to arrive making it worse.
6. Lifeline
As a medic, Lifeline is more than qualified to teach kids about sex and the very serious risks involved. He’s also a man of deep convictions, which would probably make him one of those educators who really go the extra mile. If you’re in his class and you and your partner are getting too hot and heavy you can text him any time of night and he’ll air-lift you out of there before you make a mistake, all out of pocket!
5. Crankcase
Of all the G.I Joe’s with incredibly unfortunate names for sex-ed teachers, Crankcase might fare the best. He’s the speed freak of the Joe team. When the kids start in on him with the jokes he’ll shut them up with a motel meth-bender story so horrifying and gripping it will make McConaughey in “True Detective” look like Bluey from “Bluey.” The kids will be scarred for life, but they will be paying attention, and getting kids to pay attention is the other half of the battle.
4. Sgt. Slaughter
Robert Rudolph Remus actually was a sex education teacher for a while before the WWF came calling.
3. Roadblock
Again, as the only Joe to make it back from the Cobra-la border and deliver crucial intel in the fight against Golobulist, Roadblock is the reason you’re not all snake people now and basically the greatest American hero to ever live. Could he teach teens about safe sex practices? Of course, he can, but he deserves better!
2. Covergirl
As the only Joe with a former modeling career, Covergirl can teach kids a lot about sex, consent, and how to create a tactical diversion when John Stamos corners you at a party.
1. Duke
“Duke: “Listen up privates. I don’t want to be here any more than you do,but I have a duty to teach you proper copulation protocols, and you, as future American adults, have a duty to learn them. We’re going to get through this thing together, as a team, and not if but WHEN each and every one of you earns an A in my course, as a reward, I’ll tell you what sex with Scarlett is like. Now who’s with me?!”
Class of 8th graders in unison: “Yo Joe!”
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