12. The Fireys
It would be nice if we could say that our hellscape nightmares with the Fireys did not have a sexual dimension. They usually visit us on nights when we’ve had too much red meat after 8:00 p.m. If you thought watching them swap heads was scary, wait until you dream about them all swapping head!
11. The Dancers
This one makes sense at least. I know an Eye’s Wide Shut party when I see one, and that is an Eye’s Wide Shut party.
10. Didymus and Ambrosius
Who hasn’t dreamt of a noble and valiant ratboy on his trusty and fluffy steed imploring them to ride with him to the lands of carnal pleasure? What’s that? Most people? Hmmm. Welp, you’re missing out prudes!
9. Underground Tile People
Ever wonder where those little guys go under those tiles? We followed one in a dream once, and it turns out that under the labyrinth there’s another labyrinth that leads to Escher’s, the Goblin kingdom’s hottest underground night club where anything, and we mean ANYTHING, goes. This place makes the club’s Bill Hader’s Stefon goes to sound like a family-friendly restaurant. Just don’t tell anyone they “remind you of the babe,” that’s code for watersports down there.
8. The Junk Lady
She may look old and decrepit but once you get her out of those rags she’s wearing she’s… basically exactly what you would imagine. We know the nicotine patch says we’re supposed to sleep with it on but given how many times we’ve had sex with The Junk Lady in our dreams, we’re gonna go ahead and say that further study is necessary.
7. The Stone Faces
In our dreams we walk through a long cave filled with these guys, just like in the movie, except in the dream they’re prostitutes. They still have those over dramatic gravelly voices, but they say stuff like “Hey, you looking for a date?” and “I can show you a real good time if you wanna get a room!” On a good night, we don’t take them up on it. They aren’t all good nights.
6. Merlin
Merlin is just a dog, just a regular old dog like any dog you’ve ever seen in a movie and he’s not even in the movie that much. Why all the people in my otherwise normal sex dreams turn into him the moment I look away for one second is beyond me.
5. Hoggle
Hoggle has a habit of popping into my erotic dreams just as things are getting heavy and insisting that he just wants to watch. He keeps saying it though, over and over, “Don’t you pay no mind to old Hoggle, Hoggle only wants to watch, see.” “Hoggle don’t need no sex partners, no sir, Hoggle only be wantin’ to sit back and enjoy the show.” He’ll do that five or six times before adding “You can tell Hoggle how pathetic he is if you want to!”
4. The Eyeball Plant
You would think given its physiology the eyeball plant likes to watch, but that’s exactly where our dream logic takes a sharp detour. Every time we overdo it with the valerian root it pulls up to our home in its bitchin red Camero and says “Get in loser, Eyeball Plant is suckin and fuckin anything that moves tonight!”
3. The Helping Hands
The erotic potential of the Helping Hands is endless, and it actually makes perfect sense that they would worm their way into my subconscious sexual fantasies. What doesn’t make sense is that they don’t do anything sexual in my dreams. They just form themselves into faces and mock me while I try to hit on my high school crush. That’s not helping, hands!
2. Ludo
We all know that Ludo friend, but after dark, he’s a little bit more than a friend if you catch my drift. For those of you who are not catching my drift, I have a recurring dream in which I have sexual intercourse with Ludo from the movie “Labyrinth.”
1. Jareth
Obviously, number one is codpiece, I mean Jareth. The Goblin King has appeared in my awkward confusing sex dreams more often than any Labyrinth character or Bowie persona with the exception of Halloween Jack. Is it his menacing charm? His powerful and confident androgyny? Is it his sick EDM crystal ball dance moves? The answer is yes to all, and so much more.
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