From early Greek mythology to the writing of Carl Jung, the Labyrinth has long been used as a metaphor for the human subconscious. Every night when we go to sleep we navigate the endless maze of our own minds, its twisting and intersecting corridors lurking with all manner of minotaurs, representing our greatest fears and most shameful desires. Since the 1986 film “Labyrinth” has been a favorite of ours since childhood it makes sense that its characters frequently populate our dreamscape. What does not make sense is how often these dreams become sexual and highly specific.
We have presented the puzzle of our recurring and horrifying “Labyrinth” sex dreams to psychoanalysts, psychics, and sleep experts, and they have all given us our money back. We may never get to the bottom of this bizarre and alienating sexual predilection, but we can at least quantify it. Here’s every character from the film “Labyrinth” ranked by their cameos in our most intimate dreams.
24. Toby
Any dream with a baby in it is an anxiety dream.
23. Sarah
Look, we all had a crush on her during childhood, but the fact is Jennifer Connelly was 15 when this movie was made. If she is in our dreams, our deep-seated shame prevents us from remembering in the morning, and that’s saying something because as you’ll soon see, we remember a lot!
22. The Robot
He may look like a mechanical monster but he’s actually a really sweet guy once you get to know him. Biblically. In your sleep, on those nights when you decide to ignore your doctor’s warning about drinking on your meds.
21. Sarah’s Parental Guardians
Is it just us or do they give off a swinger vibe? The stepmom basically tells Sarah she wouldn’t have to babysit so much if she would go out and get laid instead. We’ve never seen a stepmom like that in a Disney movie before, but we’ve surely seen them in a lot of internet videos.
20. The Cleaners
It’s the same as it is in the movie except the big drilbit thingy has a dildo on it. Not our most imaginative Labyrinth-themed recurring sex dream but unnerving nonetheless.
19. The Wise Man
Oh, we can hear your judgments already just typing this. “The old wise muppet from Labyrinth? You guys dream about fucking that guy?!” Well, for your information, no, we don’t! We have sex with the bird who lives in his hat while the old man sleeps.
18. Goblins
Not only do they haunt my most erotic dreams, but in real life I can no longer finish without imagining a closet full of goblins eagerly waiting for me to cum so that they can enter our world.
17. Worm
In the film, we see Worm comically and inadvertently trigger Sarah’s long adventure by advising her not to take the shortest route to the castle. Worm has led me down some pretty strange corridors too, namely the dark and twisted labyrinth of my psycho-sexual desires. “Don’t go that way! You’ll never get spanked by your third-grade math teacher if you go that way!”
16. Snappers
You know the Snappers, those little bitey creatures the guards torturing Ludo keep on the ends of sticks? Well, on nights when we chase our melatonin down with a little too much wine, they do more than bite.
15. The Four Guards
These are the guys who hit Sarah with the classic “One of us always lies and one of us always tells the truth” problem. You only get to ask one question, and for some reason whenever we encounter them in dreamland our question is always “Are we gonna get freaky or not?” Even by 5-way with muppet standards, it gets WILD.
14. The Door Knockers
We know what you’re thinking, they’re just door knockers. Sure, they can talk, but they’re door knockers. How the hell can someone have sex with a doorknocker? Hell, when we encounter them in our dreams, that’s the first thing we ask ourselves—”A talking door knocker? How the hell do I have sex with that?” Then we remember that in a world built on Jim Henson’s imagination, anything is possible. By the time we realize it’s a dream and wake up we’ve had them both every which way.
13. The Bog of Eternal Stench
The implications are as obvious as they are disgusting.
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