20. Scream 2 (1997)
This one goes out to all the college freshmen who think things are going to be different now: Guess again. Not only is no one buying your self re-invention, you’re going to find yourself in the same shitty situations that plagued you in high school again and again. You’re still going to get too drunk and throw up at parties, you’re still going to have a dogshit romantic life, and you’re still going to be terrorized by a deranged killer taking the Ghostface mantel. Even Randy is still there. Fucking Randy!
19. Suspiria (1977)
Maybe you’re fortunate enough to be entering an academy this year, a small private boarding school specializing in a specific field. Maybe you’re even lucky enough to be going to one focused on the arts. If you think those are never predatory, you’re going to want to sit down and throw “Susperia” on! Come for the gorgeous colors and bitchin’ Goblin score, stay for the internalized valuable lesson that your school may be run by a sinister cabal of some kind!
18. Talk to Me (2022)
This surprise Australian hit from A24, at its core, is a classic after-school morality lesson—just because everyone else is doing something at a party doesn’t mean you should. Even if it looks super fun, and will make you seem cooler, more well-liked, and you’ll get made fun of for not doing and… you know what, whatever it is just suck it up and do it okay? Let’s cut the bullshit, popularity is everything.
17. Phenomena (1985)
To those of you who have already gone through “the change” this will come as no surprise, but to our younger readers, the boarding school horror film “Phenomena” is an allegory for going through puberty. Hitting puberty is like finding out you have the power to telepathically communicate with insects, and using that gift to help Donald Pleasence and his pet monkey catch a murderer. We know that sounds like silly nonsense right now but once your voice starts to crack and you start growing hair in funny places, you’ll see exactly what we mean.
16. Prom Night (1980)
Prom is an archaic gender normative tradition, a huge waste of money, and the perfect place for the sole witness of the accidental murder you and your friends committed as children to find you. Skip it and go to the afterparty.
15. Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1992)
A lot of people won’t tell you this, but school isn’t for everyone. Maybe you’re meant for a higher calling. Maybe you’re meant to pursue a life in the arts. Maybe you’re a genius entrepreneur and school is just a waste of your time. Maybe you are the slayer, born to each generation with the strength and agility to battle hoards of the undead. Whatever your calling is remember, it’s your life, be true to yourself.
14. Class of 1999 (1990)
This movie really jumps the gun on how quickly AI robot teachers would resort to murder and really embellishes how much they enjoy it, but this is where we’re headed.
13. Battle Royale (2000)
This movie just comes out and says what others will only wink and nod at: You are being groomed for kill-or-be-killed competition with everyone around you for the amusement of the ruling class.
12. Idle Hands (1999)
Everyone knows what you do with your idle hands and no one wants to talk about it. Just try not to occupy the bathroom for too long at high traffic times.
11. Cutting Class (1989)
High school faculty and students are being picked off one by one. An extremely young Brad Pitt thinks it’s the kid who just got back from a mental institution, but then you think it’s not him, but then blah blah blah. It’s standard slasher fair that certainly doesn’t reinvent the wheel. The real horror on display here is how openly, transparently, and enthusiastically these teachers are horny for their students. The principal tries getting a girl to change into her new cheerleader outfit in front of him with zero shame or repercussion, it’s bonkers, and much more reflects the horrors you may encounter over the next four years.
10. Halloween H20 (1998)
Generational trauma is an ugly thing. Never forget that the parent is always the parent and the child is always the child. Whether your parents were raised abusively, has unresolved insecurity from their own youth, or are locked in a high-stakes battle against a sibling who is an unstoppable killing machine, that’s their cross to bear. Never let it stop you from spreading your wings and being the beautiful Josh Hartnett you were born to be.
9. Slaughter High (1986)
This one is more for the graduates—never go to a high school reunion. Whoever you wanted to fuck back then probably isn’t hot anymore, and anyone you ever wronged will know where to find you.
8. The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)
This movie would have you believe that if you’re a high school girl you are never safe anywhere. We sure would like to live in a world where we could say different. Instead, we’ll just say know where all the exits and weapons are everywhere you go.
7. Ginger Snaps (2000)
We all develop at different ages and in different ways. That person who was your best friend in middle school? They may start to change. You might notice them get taller, get moodier, lose interest in the things you used to bond over, and bail on you to spend time with people their changing body chemistry causes them to be interested in. This is a normal part of growing up, and it can suck, but you gotta let them do them. Becoming a werewolf is a natural, wonderful thing, and it will happen to you before you know it.
6. Heathers (1988)
If you’re a student of a certain intelligence level or disposition you may be drawn to the angsty but charming weird kid because they’re more “real” than everyone else, and there’s nothing wrong with that, usually. There’s a fine line between charmer and full-blown sociopath though, and you’re going to want to keep a close eye on it. Don’t be so quick to dismiss their first murder of a classmate as a prank gone awry, it’s a legit red flag that at the very least warrants a conversation.
5. Christine (1983)
Pretty simple lesson, if you’re the first one of your friends to get a car, try not to be a total dick about it. It’s a shitty Jeep Cherokee that will be dead before you graduate, stop calling it “Sabrina” and lording it over people.
4. Halloween (1979)
You’re going to have a lot of grown-ups trying to tell you that on top of school, you should try to find some work and make your own money. Well, you remember that scene in “Halloween” where Michael Myers killed all those kids who were hanging out having a good time? No? Exactly, he killed all the babysitters. Tell your parents they gotta just chill out and let you be a kid while it lasts.
3. The Nightmare on Elm Street Series
If you’re entering senior year you’re probably starting to notice just how much bullshit you’ve inherited from your parents and their entire generation. Our own parents never killed a guy who went on to stalk us in our nightmares per se, but they did vote for Ronald Reagen which is actually way worse. We’ll take a guy with knives for fingers over a crumbling infrastructure and life quality any day. Just remember that anytime someone older than you says “Back in my day” they’re about to say a whole bunch of bullshit.
2. The Faculty (1998)
Invasion of The Body Snatchers: The High School Years. This movie holds up, and while the plot involving an alien parasite taking over the entire faculty of a school overnight may seem far-fetched, it’s important to remember that far-right policies can spread through a school just as quickly. If your school banned critical race theory or requires bible study don’t be lulled into setting down roots and joining the hive mind, get the fuck out of that town as soon as you can.
1. Carrie (1976)
Above all else, don’t fuck with the weird kid.
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